Entertainment People The Ferguson Report: Marching to the madhouse with a left, right, left
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The Ferguson Report: Marching to the madhouse with a left, right, left

Tim Ferguson dishes up the week in fake news. Photo: TND
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EXTREME LEFT WING & EXTREME RIGHT WING MEET IN THE MIDDLE TO FORM A BIRD-BRAIN

When it comes to antivax, there has been a meeting of minds between Australia’s left-wing dingbats and right-wing dungbots.

A quinoa-nibbling Marxist and a deadbolt-sucking Nazi said, “COVID vaccines will wipe out millions of innocent people. Much like the coronavirus but with way more hassle.”

The two extremist extremities believe COVID vaccines are full of “nano-bots”. These miniscule robots cannot be detected by microscopes or common sense.

The Lefties and Righties will unite as soon as they can agree on the uniforms.

Both extremist groups have reached ‘heard immunity’ – no-one cares to listen to them anymore.

PRIME MINISTERS IN FROSTED-GLASS HOUSES

Prime Minister Scott Morrison boldly suggested the media live in glass houses then boldly apologised.

Morrison’s frosted-glass house comes complete with an impenetrable glass-brick ceiling.

Mr Morrison is busy building a new house, on sand, made of cards and haunted by the past.

There’s a lesson here for all of us.  People who live in glass houses should never throw caution to the windows.

ADVANCE AUSTRALIA FAIR TO MIDDLING

Six-year-old Kayaan Katyal has an Australian birth certificate but the Department of Hopeless Affairs says his cerebral palsy means he cannot stay.

A letter from the Department estimated Kayaan would cost $1.23 million over 10 years, which would “result in a significant, undue cost” to taxpayers of nearly 5 cents each.

“That insurmountable cost would equal a cup of coffee in just 80 years,” said a departmental official sipping a double-shot macchiato. “Being born in Australia and raised in Australia is Un-Australian.”

If the family refuse to leave, the Department plans to build a wall around them. At a cost of $1.23 million dollars.

The Government has demanded Kayaan go back to where he came from. So he’s staying right here.

WHITE HOUSE IN THE WEEDS

Dozens of young White House staffers have been put out to pasture for past marijuana use. President Joe Biden plans to leave no stoner unturned.

A White House spokeswoman raised a glass of champagne. “To restore things to normal, we’ll replace these half-baked losers with totally-tanked boozers.”

The redundant White House workers followed their marching orders round in circles for hours.

In other news …

  • PARENTS WANT CHILDREN TO RETURN TO SCHOOL PERMANENTLY
  • MARRIED AT FIRST SIGHT CONTESTANT WANTS ALIMONY AT FIRST SIGHT
  • PARLIAMENT DESK RECEIVING COUNSELLING
  • AUSTRALIANS STARTING TO FORGET HOW MUCH THEY DISLIKE TOURISTS
  • ‘GOLDEN GAYTIME’ OFFENSIVE TO PEOPLE HAVING A MISERABLE TIME

Tim Ferguson is a widely acclaimed comedian, writer, TV host, and a member of the Doug Anthony Allstars. You can follow him on Twitter at @RealTimFerguson

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