Entertainment People The Ferguson Report: Wrestlemania, eat your heart out. Pugilist pollies have you beat
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The Ferguson Report: Wrestlemania, eat your heart out. Pugilist pollies have you beat

Tim Ferguson dishes up the week in fake news. Photo: TND
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VEGAN PROTEIN A SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE

As predicted by Nostradamus, a new vegan food trend is going viral.

The new food substitute is named seitan (pronounced say-tan, meaning ‘Satan’).

Seitan is made by washing the starch off flour, which leaves you with gluten. Any hipster will tell you that gluten is the Devil’s hoof-scrapings.

“Seitan was clearly foreseen by Nostradamus,” said a psychic, quoting a ghost who read it on Snapchat. “In 1555 the French astrologer wrote, ‘In the third month, the sun rising, the leopard raises its eye to the heavens.’”

This quote has been seen as predicting World War II, World War III and the recent return of the mullet cut.

Doctors fear seitan’s high protein may increase vegans’ pious self-satisfaction to a level where they may fall off their high horses.

GOVERNMENT MORE POPULAR WHEN IT DOESN’T MENTION GOVERNMENT, POLITICIANS, CANBERRA

The popularity of the federal government plummeted when it mentioned the popularity of the federal government.

But then a well known Prime Minister made the grave error of pointing at protesters and saying, “Not far from here, such marches … are being met with bullets.”

Meanwhile, just down the corridor, such marches were being met with hiding, scurrying and whistling Dixie.

TRUMP VERSUS MARKLE-THE-NEW-MERKLE

Meghan Markle is in discussions with Democrats about a White House run in 2024 if President Biden, who’ll be 82, can’t remember the nuclear launch codes.

White House insiders will remove him from power if he can.

Meanwhile, Mr and Mrs Trump are planning their own sensational interview with Oprah Winfrey. Trump will reveal a Palace insider once asked if his next baby will be born spray-tanned.

QUESTION TIME TAKES DEBATE

In an ugly Parliament Question Time jelly-wrestle hog-tie, PM Scott Morrison roared, “The Leader of the Opposition has engaged in a very unworthy and egregious slur.”

The jelly-splattered, loosening the leader of the Opposition’s G-string as he wallowed Albo-deep in the green slime. They were egged on by partially sober frontbenchers (it was before lunchtime).

The ensuing brawl contained six monstrous affronts, two utter disgraces and a scurrilous what-the-@#$%*.

A taxpayer slipped ten bucks into Morrison’s mankini, but the fighting continued.

In other news …

  • MILLENNIAL WINS CERTIFICATE OF ATTENDANCE FOR WINNING CERTIFICATE OF ATTENDANCE
  • WA LIBERALS ELECT LEADER BY “EENY, MEENY, MINY, MO”
  • ANTIVAXXER CLAIMS WORLD HEALTH ORGANISATION IS KEEPING US ALIVE TO KILL US LATER

Tim Ferguson is a widely acclaimed comedian, writer, TV host, and a member of the Doug Anthony Allstars. You can follow him on Twitter at @RealTimFerguson

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