MEGHAN & HARRY STAR IN SOAP OPRAH

Meghan Markle and some guy called Harry who used to be someone have appeared in a new soapie, The Bold And The Dutiful. The newlyweds star as runaways who boldly reject the duties of a delinquent family of German billionaire corgi breeders ruled by a nice lady who has never expressed an opinion on anything.

Meghan has expressed surprise and shock at the wicked plots of the family firm. Clearly, she hasn’t watched previous episodes.

Millions of viewers have been spellbound with a story that is really none of their business.

The show stars Queen Oprah who is the ruling monarch of TV (which is like ruling a royal family but with more bed-hopping, if that’s possible).

HOMEOPATHIC BUBBLES OF NOTHING MAKE IT REALLY NOTHING

A homeopath has claimed all his treatments have undergone double blind tests in the dark.

“I close both my eyes and swipe the patient’s credit card. Twice! If the machine says ‘Ping’, it’s positive energy. If the machine says ‘Beebow’, the patient is incurable.”

“Homeopaths do a taste test,” said a minuscule but negligible homeopath. “If it looks like water, tastes like water and actually is water, it’s medicine.”

MILENNIAL WATCHES FREE-TO-AIR TV SHOW

The latest figures reveal free-to-air TV ratings have dropped faster than the standards of a contestant on Married At First Sight.

But the industry is abuzz with news that a 20something-or-other has watched an entire episode of a commercial TV show including the ads.

One young viewer even watched those bits where the show tells you what you’ve just seen, what you saw last week, what’s coming up next week (which is a recap of this week’s recaps).

Sadly, she dislocated her shoulder after attempting to swipe the big screen.

A commercial TV executive was thrilled with the single figures. “I’ve commissioned a reality show about ‘the journey’ – from the episode beginning to the end-highlights-recap-sponsor-mention-teaser-package.”

A millennial was so impressed with watching something in real time that she recorded the entire programme on her iPhone and uploaded it to her YouTube channel so others might experience the magic moment. In their own real time.

After following the instructions for watching a TV show, a millennial diligently glued his eyes to the screen and was rushed to hospital.
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In other news …

• PM HASN’T READ THAT REPORT WHATEVER IT IS
• NBN BREAKS THE INTERNET
• WOKE ACTIVIST TRIGGERED BY THE WORD ‘TRIGGERED’
• PSYCHIC ACCURATELY PREDICTS THE FUTURE IS ‘UNPREDICTABLE’