JOE BIDEN TO ‘MAKE AMERICA GROVEL AGAIN’
US President Joe Biden has declared to the world, “America is back!”
Unfortunately, America is back with Americans.
A Whitehouse spokesman happily said, “America returns as a bloated, squabbling, gun-muzzle-chewing, cow-horned, hippy, cannabinoid clusterfudge of organic-brain-fed walking deadbeats. Hoo-rah!”
After Donald Trump upset allies by telling them to pay for things, Biden hopes to woo Europe and woohoo Canada.
“’America First’ still works for everybody, especially Americans,” said an American who was not the first to say it.
A spokeswoman for the European Union said, “We once tried ‘Germany First’. What could possibly go wrong?”
THE SIMPSONS HOLDING AUDITIONS FOR ACTORS WHO ARE BRIGHT YELLOW
The Simpsons’ Harry Shearer will no longer voice the Black character ‘Dr. Julius Hibbert’. Shearer will be replaced by the brilliant voice actor, Kevin Michael Richardson. So it’ll be a Black guy imitating a White guy imitating a Black guy, a woke technique known as “double-diversity”.
Meanwhile, an intense search is underway for a little boy with bright yellow skin and eight fingers to play ‘Bart’. In a bold act of feminism, this boy will replace Nancy Cartwright, an older pink woman who voiced the male character in our dark and ignorant past.
SPRUNG TIME FOR LITTLE HITLERS
For the first time, a supremely white extremist group is set to be formally listed by the Australian government as a gaggle of Grammar Nazis who must be brought to a full stop.
An ASIO spy disguised as an asterisk said, “We intend to give them a rigorous semicolonoscopy.”
Sonnenkrieg Division, a British neo-Nazi group, will be banned in Australia for wearing Hawaiian shirts that are entirely brown.
A gang of flightless bad-boys sang their protest anthem: “I still call Australia Austria.”
VEGANS CANCEL GREEN EGGS AND HAM
The business that preserves and protects Dr Seuss’ legacy will preserve and protect his books by cancelling them.
One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish will be banned due to its appalling exclusion of all the other fish.
Horton Hears A Hoo is offensive to deaf elephants (though they haven’t heard about it yet).
The Cat In The Hat makes hats feel unsafe.
‘Cancel culture’ has cancelled children’s books, statues and TV comedies.
“We hit the hard targets,” said a cancel culture counsellor. “We’ll cancel right wing extremists as soon as they write a kids book.”
In other news…
- DEEP FAKE TOM CRUISE SLIGHTLY MORE FAKE THAN TOM CRUISE
- VACCINE DENIES TAKING DOLLY PARTON’S MAN
- CONSPIRACY THEORIST IS AN INSTANT KNOW-IT-ALL ABOUT VACCINES AND MELBOURNE CUP TIPS
Tim Ferguson is a widely acclaimed comedian, writer, TV host, and a member of the Doug Anthony Allstars. You can follow him on Twitter at @RealTimFerguson