Entertainment People The Ferguson Report: Spokeswoman admits to PM knowing nothing about knowing nothing
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The Ferguson Report: Spokeswoman admits to PM knowing nothing about knowing nothing

Tim Ferguson dishes up the week in fake news. Photo: TND
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MARRIED AT FIRST SIGHT FOR SORE EYES

Married at First Sight has been televised at first sight. Again.

In a last gasp attempt to keep free-to-air TV on air, it’s been put on a ventilator.

The show’s ‘nearlyweds’ are chaperoned by two reverse-psychologists who encourage marriage first, lawyers later. They are joined by a specialist in ‘sexology’, which is like what you do in your spare time, but holding a clipboard.

SCOTT MORRISON EXPECTED TO CALL ELECTION A DIRTY NAME

PM Scott Morrison is expected to call an election as soon as everyone forgets what happened last week.

At the 2019 Federal Election, 59 per cent of voters voted against the Coalition, 66 per cent voted against the Labor Party and everyone voted against Clive Palmer.

That slippery-slide victory made Morrison Australia’s least-unelected PM.

Meanwhile, Home Affairs Munster Peter Dutton has admitted he never tells the Prime Minister anything, on a need-to-not-know basis.

A spokeswoman has admitted to knowing nothing about the Prime Minister knowing nothing about knowing nothing.

“Scomo shouldn’t be burdened with knowledge he may need to deny. But rest assured, we keep him up-to-date with the things he doesn’t know. The more important it is, the less he needs to know about it.”

SYDNEY UNI WAVES THE WHITE FLAG OF MANY COLOURS

The University of Sydney has switched its online logo to a more inclusive ‘Progress Flag’ featuring the colours red, orange, yellow, green, blue, purple, black, brown, white and  pink.

But activists on the colour spectrum claim some pigments are victims of exclusion.

“Where is turquoise? Chartreuse? Periwinkle?” said an activist named Joseph wearing a technicolour trench-coat.

“I am creamy-off–white with fury!”

Heterosexuals have once again missed out on being represented in the Sydney Uni flag. (The colour ‘Hetero’ is a murky blend of beige, double-denim and Labradooodle.)

A Sydney Uni spokeswoman, her face crimson/cantaloupe in embarrassment explained.

“The progress flag is all-inclusive because marginalised minorities make up the majority. And the majority of students at university come from the minority of Australians who can afford it.” 

In other news…

  • AMAZING TALKING DOG IGNORED BECAUSE THERE’S AN APP FOR THAT NOW
  • ANTIVAXXER CLAIMS “POLIO & CHOLERA VACCINES TRICKED ME INTO LIVING LONG ENOUGH TO DIE BY COVID VACCINE”
  • FACEBOOK AUSTRALIA SWITCHING ITSELF OFF AND BACK ON AGAIN NOT AT ALL THREATENING
  • PM VACCINATED TO STOP THE SPREAD OF BULLTWANG
  • ANTI-5G EXTREME RIGHT AND EXTREME LEFT AGREE ON EVERYTHING BUT FACTS

Tim Ferguson is a widely acclaimed comedian, writer, TV host, and a member of the Doug Anthony Allstars. You can follow him on Twitter at @RealTimFerguson

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