AUSTRALIA OFF ITS FACEBOOK
Australia is now in a state of war with the world’s most powerful nation, Facebook.
Facebook has banned the sharing of news in Australia, including the news about its banning of news.
The 14 Australians who actually read the news are taking the extreme measure of finding the news websites all by themselves.
“Normally we have our newsbites spoon-fed to us by the malignant narcissist psycho bot,” said a spokeswoman with 880,000 Facebook ‘friends’ who really are her friends.
The owner of Facebook, Skynet, announced, “We have sent a Terminator from the future to give Mark Zuckerberg more money.”
The Australian government formed an alliance with News.Com-istan and whoever owns Channel Ten this week.
PARRAMATTA CHEERLEADERS WOKE-UP CALL
In a daring act of feminism, the Parramatta Eels have sacked all their cheerleading women.
“Next, we sack all the footballers,” said a neckless brick with lips. “We realised our super-fit male players in tight shorts were being sexually objectified.”
A spokesgroin for the code said, “Rugby League is all about eye-gouging, wrestling, groping, smothering, thumping, tackling, blindsiding and Going The Biff or Poking The Hopoate – all things that are unacceptable behaviour in the outside world.”
The Raiders, Rabbitohs, Warriors and Titans have also ditched their cheerleaders as a first step in making NRL more ‘woke’, ‘diverse’ and ‘pear-shaped’.
In another icy splash of wokefulness, future NRL games will be reduced to a football sitting in a paddock. “This will be a great improvement,” said the brick, “once we change the shape of the ball to a more inclusive oblong.”
EX-PRESIDENT TRUMP ENJOYING MORE FREE TIME TO SPLIT AMERICA
Golfer and cat-grabber Donald Trump is dividing the Republican party between half-crazed nuts and fully-crazed nuts.
Last week, the US Senate cleared Donald Trump of wrongdoing with an ‘overwhelming minority’.
43 out of 100 senators democratically decided Trump is innocent of inciting the January 6 riot by horned buffaloes dressed as people.
Trump allegedly incited the stampede to defend democracy from accuracy.
Meanwhile, over 500,000 Americans have died of embarrassment.
In other news …
- NATIONAL PARTY DEFENDS FARMERS AND COALMINERS AT THE SAME TIME
- ANTI-ASTRAZENECA VACCINE CHURCH LEADER ADMITS GOD VACCINATES IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS
- NASA MISTAKENLY PUTS LAND ROVER ON MARS
- TEXAN CLAIMS SNOW STORM IS PROOF “GLOBAL” WARMING ISN’T HAPPENING IN TEXAS
- PM MORRISON SAYS “I KNOW NUSSING, I SEE NUSSING, BUT FOLLOW ME ANYWAY”
Tim Ferguson is a widely acclaimed comedian, writer, TV host, and a member of the Doug Anthony Allstars. You can follow him on Twitter at @RealTimFerguson