TRUMP MORE INNOCENT THAN ANY RIOT INCITER EVER

US Members of Congress have argued for the impeachment of Donald Trump using videos, tweets, catchy songs and finger puppets.

But a US senator said, “I’m still confused.”

The QAnon Shaman Vegan who rampaged through the US Capitol wearing bearskin headdress with cow horns apologised for his fashion faux pas.

“I left the house in such a rush I forgot to wear my clown shoes.”

“The riot was a mistake,” said a Proud Boy hanging his head in shaman.

“When the President told us to ‘fight like hell’, we assumed he meant ‘fight like hell’. Simple mistake. What he meant was, “Fight? Like hell!’”

ROYAL BABY BORN INTO FISHBOWL

A royal baby, who is the Queen’s ninth great-grandchild and 11th in line to the throne, has been born into a fishbowl with a plastic castle.

The aquarium was surrounded by paparazzi and millions of adoring people ready to cast judgement on the baby boy’s behaviour for the rest of his life.

He’s the first grandchild for Prince Andrew – currently facing accusations of behaving like a prince – and his ex-wife Sarah – currently facing accusations that she married Prince Andrew.

The baby was not asked to sign a contract or agree in any way to the glaring and blunt intrusions by the world and … you.

PANTS-FREE PARLIAMENT

Since New Zealand’s male MPs will no longer be required to wear ties in parliament, Australian MPs refuse to wear pants. Ever.

“Why should I wear pants after a year of Senate Estimates meetings via Zoom?” said a portly member of Parliament in a thong ensemble described as ‘eye-watering’.

A female MP speaking entirely off the cuff and leggings said, “If I’m going to be sitting in the Senate all day, it’s heart-healthier to do it in activewear.”

Pauline Hanson dressed in her black burqa admitted, “Underneath, I’m wearing boardshorts.”

CROWN RESORTS CASINO-NO

Crown Resorts chairwoman Helen Coonan has apologised on behalf of the company after a report condemned its failures, including money laundering and laundry laundering.

Meanwhile, the Crown chairman and two directors have resigned in a flurry of innocence.

The shock has rocked repo-men and loan sharks. “This will cost us an arm and a leg but we’ll take it out of your end.”

A spokeswoman for the NSW Liquor and Gaming Authority said, “The Barangaroo Building will be converted to a halfway house for gambling addicts. No, wait… it will remain a halfway house for gambling addicts.”

In other news…

• LABRADOODLE FEELS AS RIDICULOUS AS IT LOOKS
• TRUMP IMPEACHMENT TRIAL INCITES RIOTOUS LAUGHTER
• BATMAN OBSESSED WITH SECRET IDENTITY POLITICS
• GIRLFRIEND ACCEPTS VALENTINE’S DAY ROSES AS A SIGN OF BOYFRIEND’S LOVE OF CLICHE
• EDDIE MCGUIRE PHONE’S FRIEND. NO ONE ANSWERS.