COVID CURED BY INJECTING CRAIG KELLY INTO BLOODSTREAM

Doctors claim rebel MP Craig Kelly has thankfully avoided COVID, due to hydroxychloroquine floor polish or Pete Evans’ amazing light machine (No Dingbatteries Included).

“At first we thought he was being bombarded by Vitamin D from Jewish laserbeam satellites,” said a doctor in a tinfoil lab coat. “We now realise he’s avoided COVID because COVID does not exist.”

Prime Minister Scott Morrison said Kelly does “a great job” for people in his electorate except the ones in hospital breathing through ventilators.

Unlike COVID, Craig Kelly cannot be easily transferred.

VLADIMIR PUTIN ARRESTING EVERYONE WITHIN PUTIN DISTANCE

Russian President Vladimir Putin-on-the-Ritz is arresting everyone resistant to poison.

A Kremlin spokesman speaking through a gag said, “Just this morning, he arrested a protester, a kitten and a potato with eyes.”

Putin is holed up in his brand-new $100 million mansion. The enormous cost of the house is proof Russian public servants are well paid.

ORGANIC DIET CONTAINS TRACES OF A NUT

A man who stormed the US Capitol wearing cow horns has been moved to another jail after a judge agreed his strict diet of organic food is a thing. Seriously.

An organic activist claimed, “There is a huge difference between ‘food’ (which is organic) and ‘organic food’ (which is expensive).”

The cow from whom the man’s horns were chopped was unavailable for comment.

GOOGLE’S ADVICE-GIVING ‘FRIEND’ ARRESTED FOR EXTORTION

Last week, Google likened itself to a ‘friend’ offering advice about nearby cafes. It did not mention that the ‘friend’ is a toughie whom the cafés pay for protection against lower ranking.

Google has threatened to leave Australia if we keep prank-calling it to “Open the pod bay door”.

Microsoft has kindly offered to replace Google with another sprawling mega-monopoly ‘friend’ called Badda Bing.

A Badda Bing search engineer said, “We’ll make you an offer you can’t unsubcribe. Wouldn’t it be a shame if all your pretty websites had a… terrible accident?”

To prove it’s not overreacting, Google has threatened to blow up the planet Alderaan.

In other news…

• AUSTRALIAN OPEN GOING BACK AND FORTH AD NAUSEUM
• MYANMAR MILITARY ACCUSE AUNG SAN SUU KYI OF ELECTION FRAUD IN PHILADELPHIA, ARIZONA
• CONSPIRACY THEORIST BELIEVES ‘SHEEPLE’ ARE REAL!!
• PARLIAMENT QUESTION TIME SHORTENED BY CANCELLING ANSWERS
• GENDER-CREATIVE PARENTS STRUGGLING TO EXPLAIN WHERE BABIES COME FROM
• BUSHWALKER ONLY DOES IT TO FIND DEAD BODIES

Tim Ferguson is a widely acclaimed comedian, writer, TV host, and a member of the Doug Anthony Allstars. You can follow him on Twitter at @RealTimFerguson