Entertainment People The Ferguson Report: Google threatens to delete Australia
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The Ferguson Report: Google threatens to delete Australia

Tim Feguson
Tim Ferguson dishes up the week in fake news. Photo: TND
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HOLLYWOOD REMAKES INCLUDE ACTORS WHO ARE ‘DIVERSE’ BUT ‘ABLE-BODIED’

Despite the success of ‘inclusive’ all-female versions of Ghostbusters, Ocean’s 8 and a multi-racial/gender/sexuality version of Four Weddings & a Funeral, there have been no disability remakes.

A Woke activist humanbeingsplained, “Be patient. Hollywood is changing one step at a time, but only with actors who can take one step at a time.”

Supposedly inclusive picture studios have rejected pitches for:

  • Wheelchair Spiderman
  • Gone With The Walking Frame
  • Careful, He Can’t Hear You
  • Reservoir Guide Dogs

“Woke is wonderful, but disabilities are ‘awkwoke’,” said a producer remaking The Colour Purple in turquoise.

A spokeswoman for the Academy Awards said, “’Diversity’ means ‘inclusion’.”

“No it doesn’t,” said a dictionary.

Meanwhile, a politically correct indie filmmaker was electrocuted by a buzzword.

GOOGLE THREATENS TO DELETE AUSTRALIA

Google claims the government’s proposed News Media Bargaining Code will “break how Google search works”.

Investors are shocked that a squillion-dollar Death Star money-printer could be so easily broken by having to pay for things just like normal people.

A nerd with a pigtail (coincidentally a gamer) said, “If we put Google behind a paywall, Google may make Australia un-Googlable.”

A pigtail with a nerd attached said, “Aussies will have to switch to search engines like Bing. The gigantic upheaval could last up to one microsecond.”

[If you want more information, get used to not being able to ask Google.]

NEW ‘DEXTER’ SERIES TO PSYCHOPATHICALLY SLAUGHTER THE PREVIOUS SERIES

Dexter, the psycho-killer every mum would love (up to a point) will be rebooted up the wah-zoo.

The TV series was a hit-and-run-then-come-back-and-hit-again when it premiered in 2006, but ended with a loopy series finale that left fans screaming for blood analysis.

REPUBLICAN’T

The Australian Republican Movement has sadly died after the top republican, former PM Malcolm Twangbull, accepted an Australia Day AC medal adorned with a little crown.

He was awarded the medal for his brief but short-lived public service to himself.

To avoid the embarrassing spectacle of Australia Day award winners rejecting their medals, next year’s awards will be kept secret.

Meanwhile, after this year’s controversies, next year’s date for Australia Day will be changed to January 26, 2022.

In other news…

  • MORRISON HIGHLIGHTS CAPTAIN COOK’S SUFFERING – “THAT WHITE WIG WAS QUITE ITCHY”
  • GUINEA PIG NERVOUS ABOUT PROMOTION TO TEST DUMMY
  • JOKE ABOUT NEANDERTHALS ‘TOO SOON’
  • GREENIE KEEPS PREMATURELY SAYING “I TOLD YOU SO”
  • RIGHT WING EXTREMISTS INFILTRATE PARLIAMENT USING THEIR MP IDs

Tim Ferguson is a widely acclaimed comedian, writer, TV host, and a member of the Doug Anthony Allstars. You can follow him on Twitter at @RealTimFerguson

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