LAND OF THE RISING BLOOD PRESSURE
Since the inauguration of new/old US President Joe Biden, America is returning to its normal state of unhinged gun-club.
“We have nothing to fear but America itself,” said Biden. He has vowed to unite the nation against its will.
The 74 million Americans who voted for Trump hate the 80 million Americans they believe voted for Trump but ticked the wrong box.
To heal Washington with bipartisan renewal, the Democrats will impeach Donald Trump.
Meanwhile, 150 Capitol attack rioters were charged with defending democracy by trashing democracy.
ANARCHISTS COMMIT DOMESTIC FERALISM
Some 150 anarchists in Portland sprayed anti-Biden slogans, smashed windows at Democratic Party HQ and dragged a dumpster into the middle of the street as a protest against … dumpsters?
The anarchists describe themselves as “self-described narchists” but bystanders used other words.
The protesters dressed in peaceful black helmets, balaclavas and body armour.
Anarchists are easily differentiated from right wing protesters. Anarchists shout through bullhorns. Right-wingers wear them.
AUSTRALIA’S GROWING NUTSY PARTY
Australian extreme right-wing groups are growing online, united in their belief that white people are superior if you ignore their back hair and spelling errors.
Their political discussions are moving to the proto-fascist right. Proto-fascism describes the cultural movements that lead to puberty.
GOVERNMENT TO REPLACE ‘JOBKEEPER’ WITH ‘JOBLOSER’
Josh Frydenberg refuses to extend JobKeeper until he loses his job.
Australians will instead be thrown onto ‘JobLoser’, a new program for “essential non-workers”.
A government spokeswoman living in a one bedroom wheelie bin said, “JobLoser gets the job done. Then we sack it.”
The new supplements are being hailed as farewellfare payments.
CHIROPRACTIC FOR BONE HEADS
A chiropractor backing back-cracking crackpots backtracked with a wisecrack – “Chiropractic works right up to the point where it needs proof. Beat that with a stick (who knows, it might fix your back).”
ACTUAL FACTUAL FACT: Chiropractic was founded in the 1890s by D. D. Palmer who said he received the chiropractic principles at a séance from a dead doctor’s ghost. Sceptics accused Palmer of being a pain in the neck.
FAKE FACT: Chiropractic is valid medical practice, proven by the undeniable existence of invoices.
In other news…
- AUSTRALIA TO PROUDLY CELEBRATE ‘YOU-KNOW-WHAT DAY’
- ORGANIC BUTCHER KILLS COW WITH ORGANIC AXE
- ANTIVAXXER’S EPITAPH DOESN’T KNOW WHO TO BLAME
- LATEST LAMB AD OFFENDS LAMBS
- MARGARET COURT LOVES AUSTRALIA DAY HONOUR (BUT NOT IN THAT WAY)
Tim Ferguson is a widely acclaimed comedian, writer, TV host, and a member of the Doug Anthony Allstars. You can follow him on Twitter at @RealTimFerguson