THE PHANTOM OF THE OPIOID
Accused of federal criminal charges related to America’s opioid crisis, Big Pharma behemoth Purdue Pharma pled guilty. It went down like a pled zeppelin.
The company is prepared to take the bitter pill, but only on a full stomach.
The opioid Oxycontin stands accused of being a serial painkiller. A spokeswoman said, “We admit we blew our chance, but please give us another shot. And another shot, and another…”
WARNING: OxyContin is only to be taken by OxyMorons.
US President Donald Trump’s attempts to cling to power have been dealt a sneaky blow by US Attorney-General William Barr and 80,949,511 voters.
Barr announced that Trump’s far-fetched claims are near-fetched, or not fetched at all.
It looks like Trump will be dealt a double blow – losing the election and subsequently losing the election.
Trump has named the person responsible for his defeat. A Mr James Wilkes Polling Booth.
GOVT ILLEGAL CASHLESS DEBIT CARD STOPS YOU BUYING THINGS THAT ARE LEGAL
The government plans to force welfare recipients to use cashless debit cards despite the fact sending a debit card to a person who didn’t ask for it is unlawful. (Meaning the government can deny it’s unlawful until they make new laws to break the old laws.)
The cards are supposed to prevent recipients spending on alcohol and gambling, like normal people.
A government RoboRepoMan said, “We’ve got to stop these dole cheats drinking not on the job! The cashless card is a bit like Texas Hold ‘em Poker – we hold ’em and poke ‘em and poke ’em and poke ’em…”
The government’s creepy card tricks are getting croupier and croupier.
MELANIA TRUMP’S USELESS WHITE HOUSE DECORATIONS DO NOT INCLUDE MELANIA TRUMP
Melania Trump has overcome her renowned loathing for arranging the White House “Christmas stuff and decorations” by arranging Christmas stuff and decorations.
Speaking earlier in recordings about complaints of her working on Christmas decorations, Mrs Trump said, “They say, ‘What about the children that are separated?’ Give me a f–king break.” (Oddly, under her husband’s rule, there has been no break in ‘faking’.)
A White House spokesturkey dressed as a reindeer said, “We’ve shortened Christmas carols for children separated at the border. Now we sing “You better watch out, You better not cry,” and leave it at that.”
“We got the idea of separating families from Australia, who claim it’s Dutton to worry about.”
In other news…
- 5G EVIL CONSPIRACY FOILED BY INTERMITTENT WIFI CONNECTION
- ANTIVAXXER STRANGELY HAS NO INTEREST IN ENDANGERED SPECIES
- POT CANCELLED AFTER CALLING KETTLE BLACK
- THANKSGIVING TURKEY CRIES FOWL
- PM SCOTT MORRISON HOSPITALISED WITH INFLAMED TENSIONS
Tim Ferguson is a widely acclaimed comedian, writer, TV host, and a member of the Doug Anthony Allstars. You can follow him on Twitter at @RealTimFerguson