PAULINE VERSUS VACCINE

One Nation Front leader Pauline Hanson blasted Qantas’s plan to refuse passengers who don’t get a COVID vaccination, saying “I probably don’t need it anyway”.

No doubt, this will cause her future fellow passengers to sigh with relief into their ventilators.

Pauline claims to speak from her heart. That would explain the verbal arrhythmia.

Qantas may offer an alternative service for anti-vaxxers called Jabstar.

When a doctor said her claim made no sense, Pauline said, “What? I reject the accusation that I can’t sentence a string together.”

A spokesman wearing Pauline’s black burqa facemask said, “Vaccine? It’s enough to make you thick.”

SCOMO HENHOUSE FOR CHOOKS & BALANCES

The Lodge handyman who built Scott Morrison’s homemade henhouse photo-op claims, “The last nail in the henhouse is always the most difficult. Especially when you’re posing for a staff photographer.”

The photograph of the PM hammering the nail proves he is as ordinary as the next high-ranking politician.

The henhouse kit took nearly two minutes to assemble. To pay for the expense, Morrison plans to raffle feathers.

THE TRUMP SHALL SET YOU FREE

US President-For-Life Donald Trump has pardoned Michael Flynn, despite his former national security adviser pleading guilty to lying to the FBI.

Trump is expected to pardon himself for dodgy activity, such as pardoning Michael Flynn. “Nothing says ‘innocent’ like a pre-emptive presidential pardon for all the crimes you haven’t been found guilty of yet,” said a flightless jailbird.

It’s the single most polite thing Trump has uttered in his presidency – “Pardon me.”

Trump loves nothing more than a reduced sentence. 140 characters is all he needs.  

SCOMODEBT

Prime Minister Scott Morrison has denied responsibility for Robodebt, despite being social services minister in charge of inventing Robodebt and naming it Robodebt.

“It’s a simple mistake,” said a spokeswoman for the Prime Minister’s Department (which is not the Prime Minister’s department). “Scotty ‘Towelette’ Morrison does not absorb responsibility for anything his government does. He’s just the boss in charge”.

When asked to explain the recent $1.2 billion class action settlement, Robo-Scomo pressed his escape button.

Since scammers were busted funnelling government money to dead people, the Prime Minister’s claim to be “born again” has raised suspicions.

The Robodebt scheme removed checks from the system… and from the unemployed.

In other news…

• LIFE SUES ART FOR IMITATING IT
• TV DEFINITION OF ‘NEWSWORTHY’ DOES NOT INCLUDE NEWS OR WORTHINESS
• OLD WIVES TALE ABOUT OLD WIVES TURNS OUT TO BE OLD WIVES TALE
• BIG PHARMA CLAIMS LAUGHTER IS THE BEST OPIOID
• MINUTE OF SILENCE FALLS ON DEAF EARS

Tim Ferguson is a widely acclaimed comedian, writer, TV host, and a member of the Doug Anthony Allstars. You can follow him on Twitter at @RealTimFerguson