PSYCHIC SAW HER INABILITY TO SEE IT COMING

“I predicted my predictions would be wrong and I was right,” said a psychic who’ll believe anything but facts.

“I can read palms, especially ones with a phone number written on them.”

She was charged with assault after grabbing Peter Dutton by the skull. She claimed she was merely consulting the crystal bald.

She says that from now on, she will only read people’s pasts.

The psychic was last seen meeting a tall dark stranger.

ROBODEBT & BURIED AT YOUR EXPENSE

The government has denied being liable for Robodebt while paying $1.2 billion settlement for it.

A government spokeswoman ran backwards on a treadmill as she read liable quotes.

“Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit debt!”

A Robodude said, “We crunched the numbers until they screamed for mercy. Christian Porter was in charge of it at the time, but he … ahem … had his hands full. (Cough.)”

Meanwhile, an odd numbers man stated that algorithms are incapable of error, but he was just adding insult to perjury.

PM Scott Morrison claimed algorithms don’t count, but quickly subtracted the statement.

YOU CAN LEAD THEM TO HOLY WATER…

An ANU survey found people who are religious are more likely to resist being vaccinated against COVID-19.

A baffled bishop said, “I guess God Almighty creating a vaccine isn’t miraculous enough.”

WELFARE CUT TO PIECES

An extra 330,000 people will be tossed under the poverty line when PM Scott Morrison reduces the coronavirus supplement after Christmas.

Morrison claimed the reductions are needed to “incentivise” people to take up work, such as begging outside Centrelink.

“They can take up Poverty Line Dancing, with no boots, no music and no lunch.”

“JobKeeper has given people a false sense of insecurity. We want them to know exactly where they stand. Over there, a little bit further, a little bit further, bit more, bit more… good.”

WORLD TELLS TRUMP TO GO GET FACT

US President Donald Trump claims the recent US election was rigged by millions of voters cheating one at a time.

Trump claims his loss means the death of democracy. He went to buy some big, big, huge flowers for its grave, but he couldn’t see the florist for the trees.

Voters were looking forward to seeing the back of Trump until they saw it.

In other news…

US ACTIVIST LOSES ARGUMENT BY COMPARING NAZIS TO NAZIS

CONSPIRACY THEORIST SO DELUDED HE BELIEVES THE POLLS

SLEEPING DOG LIES. PANTS CATCH FIRE.

GOVT ADMITS THE BIGGEST THREAT TO QUARANTINE IS SECURITY GUARDS

WOKE NON-GENDER BINARY PARROT SPEAKS: “WHO’S A PRETTY HE/SHE/THEY, THEN?”