Entertainment People The Ferguson Report: Even Victorians should feel sorry for US voters
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The Ferguson Report: Even Victorians should feel sorry for US voters

Tim Ferguson dishes up the week in fake news. Photo: TND
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IF TRUMP WINS, AMERICA WILL LEAVE THE COUNTRY

America claims that if US President Donald Trump wins the election, it will escape to a friendly country, like North Korea or the Moon.

Trump has invited all Americans to stand up and be counted, then sit down without voting.

Meanwhile, militias chanting ‘Make America Gunfodder Again’ will stand at polling booths armed to the toothless, to protect democracy from Democrats.

Win or lose, Trump plans to tour the world with Bruce Springsteen. They will call their band Guns N’ Guns, Sonic Pensioners or Age Against The Machine.

DECIDEDLY UNDECIDED

About 6 per cent of Americans remain “Undecided” about which lame duck to vote for.

A bloated American voter said, “Trump and Biden are chalk and cheese, but I’ll eat anything.”

A voter who cannot decide if he’s Arthur or Martha said, “On one hand, I have a hand. But on the other hand I have an orange-supremacist who looks like Fozzie Bear after a body wax.”

One voter has been hospitalised with whiplash after trying to see both sides of the debate.

Some citizens are voting with their feet by turning the other cheek and touching a nerve while biting the bullet and eyeing off the prize. They certainly have their hands full.

As usual, most American voters will elect to not vote.

‘CHAIRMAN DAN’ REVEALED AS ‘DIVAN DAN’

Victoria’s anti-lockdown protestors are struggling to explain how Premier Dan Andrews opening everything is an evil totalitarian plot.

A conspirator constipated with conspiracies said, “It’s a trick! We are being softened up for another lockdown in 100 years.”

A ‘Karen’ named ‘Karen’ demanded Melbourne be locked down so she has something to complain about.

A socially distant Melburnian getting on the boutique beers said, “Now I’m out of the house again, I can drown someone else’s sorrows.”

ADAM BANDT CALLS SCOTT MORRISON “THE KIM JONG-UN OF NAME-CALLING”

Adam Bandt has called PM Scott Morrison the “Kim Jong-un of climate” and other things that don’t make sense.

But Bandt, the Kim Jong-Un of the Greens political party, was merely testing his latest non-nuclear missive.

Outraged , Kim Jong-un declared, “I am the Kim Jong-un of everything, including the Kim Jong-un of Kim Jong-uns!”

In other news …

  • EDDIE VAN HALEN CREMATION CANCELLED AFTER FAMILY INSIST HE BE SHREDDED
  • TRUMP FIXES DEMOCRACY BY SWITCHING IT OFF AND OFF AGAIN
  • CONSPIRACY THEORISTS WHO THOUGHT ‘BORAT’ WAS REAL WILL BELIEVE ANYTHING
  • KIM KARDASHIAN & FRIENDS OFF TO MYSTERY ISLAND FOR A THREE HOUR CRUISE, A THREE HOUR CRUISE …

Tim Ferguson is a widely acclaimed comedian, writer, TV host, and a member of the Doug Anthony Allstars. You can follow him on Twitter at @RealTimFerguson

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