Entertainment People The Ferguson Report: Unleash the chihuahuas to take bite out of slime
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The Ferguson Report: Unleash the chihuahuas to take bite out of slime

Tim Ferguson dishes up the week in fake news. Photo: TND
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LONDON MAN-FLU PANDEMIC

London’s anti-lockdown protestors have marched dismissing the COVID virus as nothing more than “Man-Flu”.

But Man-Flu is a mysterious, terrifying condition for which there is no known cause … oops … cure.

Men find Man-Flu dangerously life-threatening until they swiftly recover.

The protesters invited everyone to go outside in London.

But it was raining.

RUSSIA & IRAN HELPING TRUMP’S ELECTILE DYSFUNCTION

The FBI confirms that Russia and Iran are undermining confidence in US democracy, just like Trump’s 2016 Loser-Takes-All victory.

“Ticking a box on a piece of paper is fraught with baffling complexities,” said an FBI agent disguised as a groundhog.

“The election is wriggled,” said a voter in a hat saying There’s No ‘I’ In Individualism. “No matter how you vote it will be won by an old white man.”

An Electoral College dropout said, “In America, every vote counts… backwards.”

Meanwhile Democratic candidate Joe Biden was so excited about winning he inappropriately touched and kissed himself, giving himself a pat on the back that broached social distancing laws.

“Joe’s against fracking,” Trump spat through no mask, swearing that he will “continue to frack America.”

THE UNTRUSTABLES

Cash for visas, corruption disruption, crimes of pashin’… Australian politics needs a national corruption watchdog or at the very least, a cranky chihuahua.

“Visas? Christ!” said a government minister selling beachside properties at the bottom of the harbour.

“It only takes one bad apple to spoil the fun for all the other bad apples. We demand our Human Rorts!”

Meanwhile, the Morrison government paid $30 million for a block of land for Western Sydney Airport later valued at $3 million.

“Sure, it’s only worth $3 million now. But just wait till it’s under the airport!”

ASIO HITS A NUREMBERG

ASIO boss Mike Burgess claims up to 40 per cent of ASIO’s “priority counter-terrorism” workload is related to the threat of right-wing extremists (who are like right-wing moderates without the Volvo).

“We demand our democratic freedom to be Nazi totalitarianism,” said a right-twang spokesman whose forehead has receded so far it has its own pigtail.

The extremist term “white supremacy” is confusing, given white males’ high rates of beerguts and baldness.

Mr Burgess warned the goose-stepping cluster-ducks are expecting “societal collapse” which will make lunch in the park look like a picnic.

In other news …

  • DIABETIC ACCUSED OF SUGAR HIT & RUN
  • PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE SURPRISINGLY MUTED
  • LACTOSE CALLS FOR TOLERANCE
  • PEANUT HAS EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER MISNOMER
  • JOE BIDEN OFF MORE THAN HE CAN CHEW

Tim Ferguson is a widely acclaimed comedian, writer, TV host, and a member of the Doug Anthony Allstars. You can follow him on Twitter at @RealTimFerguson

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