KEVIN, OH HEAVEN
Former Prime Minister Kevin Rudd has written a petition demanding a royal commission into Rupert Murdoch’s News Corp.
So it can be understood by tabloid readers, the petition’s reading age is that of a disgruntled 70-year-old (who left school at the age of four).
A media insider on the ABC’s political chitchat show Outsiders Looking In said, “Rudd has accused Murdoch of being ‘arrogant’, a case of the pot calling the kettle Kevin.”
Kevin Rudd has not called for a royal commission into News Corp’s 2007 endorsement of Kevin Rudd.
Rudd’s petition claims News Corp contributed to the rise of right-wing governments. Strangely, he did not call for a royal commission into voters.
NEW IPHONE JUST LIKE THE OLD IPHONE BUT NEW!!
Apple’s new iPhone 12 has been launched with less of more, more or less. No headphones, no battery charger, no distracting iPhone.
The new device comes with amazing technologies you desperately want but won’t ever use.
It knows when you are sleeping, it knows when you’re awake, it knows when you’ve been bad or good, so stay paranoid.
Unfortunately, no matter how much you beg, it will not open the pod bay door
Slightly troubling news: At 6am, Apple’s iPhone became self-aware.
ANARCHIST ORGANISATION AGAINST ORGANISATION
Thanks to US President Donald Trump, anarchists seem organised.
“Defund the police until I need one,” said a narky anarchist wearing a T-shirt saying, ‘Anarchy Rules! No it doesn’t!’
Modern anarchists rigidly conform with the masses. For example, they wear pants. [Discuss.]
A sleepy Woke Anarchist said, “The Anarchist Cookbook was okay for the 1960s, but its bomb recipes weren’t eco-friendly, ethnically diverse or smashed.”
Anarchists are renowned for their extremely short protest marches.
-Wadda we want?
36-YEAR-OLD MISSES OUT ON ‘JOBMAKER’, WANTS HIS 20 YEARS OF TAX PAYMENTS BACK
A middle-aged Millennial was shocked to hear the Government’s new ‘Jobmaker’ scheme only applies to people under the tender age of 35.
The 36-year-old man with letterbox-eyes turned from his widescreen TV and said, “Since I was let go, I’ve let myself go.”
To appeal to Millennials, the government is renaming birth certificates as a ‘Certificate of Attendance’.
In other news…
- TRUMP ON STEROIDS IS TRUMP ON STEROIDS, ON STEROIDS
- INACCURATE ARMAGEDDON PREDICTION NOT THE END OF THE WORLD
- SECRET SERVICE MAN TAKES A VIRUS FOR THE PRESIDENT
- ‘SCIENTIFIC AMERICAN’ MAGAZINE APOLOGISES FOR CONTRADICTION IN TERMS
- PLANET KILLER IDENTIFIED BY HIS CARBON FOOTPRINT
Tim Ferguson is a widely acclaimed comedian, writer, TV host, and a member of the Doug Anthony Allstars. You can follow him on Twitter at @RealTimFerguson