HAPPY CHEMTRAILS

Since the start of the pandemic, planes have stopped flying, so they’re not dropping ‘chemtrails’, drugged vapour that numbs the brain and makes you vulnerable to conspiracy theories.

But scientists have declared people’s brains are as numb as ever.

“Thankfully, gumnut-sucking mullet-cutters and twelve-turn-Volvo-parking are naturally-occurring phenomena,” said a scientist in a T-shirt saying, “I’m With Stupid And Stupid Is With Me”.

A surfer in Byron Bay was explaining how chemtrails make people stupid, but stopped to smoke a bong, whereupon he forgot what he was saying. But it’s okay, he was alone, talking to himself.

FLASH-MOB NEITHER FLASHED NOR MOBBED

An anti-lockdown flash mob at Chadstone shopping centre sang ‘You’re The Voice’ by John Farnham.

Five police vans dispersed the mob before they could sing Farnham’s protest anthem ‘Sadie The Cleaning Lady’.

An anti-lockdown/pro-lockup activist shouted, “I demand freedom to run to the shops for Pringles between Xbox marathons.”

“Stop the stopping! Stop the stopping!” chanted a teenage activist before stopping.

The flash mob bravely ran away before they could be taken seriously.

E-CIGS E-VIL

Australians will be able to buy nicotine-based e-cigarettes at chemists with a script from their doctor, especially if the doctor is trying to drum up business in the future.

The interim order was made by the Therapeutic Goods Administration, which administrate therapeutic goods that are neither therapeutic nor good.

A nicotine advocate wheezed and spluttered in joy. “Soon, chemists will also be able sell you a hammer with a Texta to mark the target spot on your forehead.”

Some fans of nicotine-based vaping say it’s far safer than smoking but not as safe as crawling blindfold across highways or hunting sharks with a teaspoon.

The government is concerned that vaping can introduce young non-smokers to nicotine, citing “strong evidence”, “common sense” and “duh”.

DON’T MENTION THE PENSION

For the first time in 89 years, the federal government will freeze the pension to stop older people splurging money on rent, food and Lamborghinis.

The move was condemned by Labor leader Anthony ‘Not Drowning, Franking’ Albanese.

Meanwhile, a pensioner trying to make ends meet hurt his back.

In other news …

• PLAYER OF 39-YEAR DUNGEONS & DRAGONS MATCH CELEBRATES WORLD’S LONGEST PUBERTY
• CHIROPRACTOR SAYS WE’LL DISCUSS PERMANENT CURE NEXT TIME
• TRICKLE DOWN ECONOMY RESULTS IN WET PATCH
• TREASURER CLAIMS ‘JOBSEEKER’ & ‘JOBKEEPER’ WERE MEANT IRONICALLY
• TRUMP AGREES TO PEACEFULLY TRANSFER POWER TO TRUMP

Tim Ferguson is a widely acclaimed comedian, writer, TV host, and a member of the Doug Anthony Allstars. You can follow him on Twitter at @RealTimFerguson