VACCINE REFUSES TO HAVE VACCINE

US President Donald Trump claims a coronavirus vaccine could be three or four weeks away.

He is planning to make the same claim again in three or four weeks.

Trump has revealed the identity of the inventor of the vaccine – Dr RePhill, who studied at Buzzfeed and Breitbart.

When Trump was questioned on his authority to authorise such a vaccine he said, ‘Don’t panic, I know exactly where to stick it.”

Trump was contradicted by his broken ventriloquist dummy, the annoyingly accurate Anthony ‘Grouchy’ Fauci, who predicted that nothing can be predicted.

The new slogan for Trump’s campaign … America – The Vaxi-Nation.

GAME OF THRONE A WOBBLY

Game of Thrones: The Director’s Cut To Pieces will start screening soon. It will stop screening in 2038.

The final episode is entitled ‘The Dead Wedding – Headless & Topless’.

A regurgitated prequel-sequel is swiftly working its way through the system: Throne Up.

The new series is set in Ancient Greece. Episode titles include:

• My Big Fat Greek Beheading
• All Quiet on the Western Throne
• Rebel Without a Throne
• Gentlemen Prefer Thrones

MADONNA MOVIE ABOUT EVERYTHING BUT MADONNA’S MOVIES

Popstar Madonna is making a new movie of her life without mentioning the movies of her life.

The working title of the movie is ‘Like Aversion – Watched For The Very First Time’.

The film will not cover her unforgettable movies, such as that one with that guy from that other movie, and the one where she acts like Madonna acting in a movie.

Like John Malkovich in Being John Malkovich, Madonna will reveal that her life is a lot like being John Malkovich without the pressure of acting like she’s being John Malkovich.

JOYCE CHOICE A BRIDGE TOO FAR

Federal MP Barnaby Joyce has apologised for snipping a ribbon to unofficially open a bridge and his mouth.

The Mayor of Kyogle said she had been ‘inundated’ by an angry phone call.

Counsellors were shocked people took Joyce seriously for a change. One suggested Barnaby should use his scissors to cut the crap.

“It was tongue in cheek,” said Barnaby, tail between his legs.

A flock of seagulls claimed it’s no big deal. “We ‘christened’ the bridge months ago.”

For the rest of his political career, Mr Joyce promises to always be backed by the Benny Hill soundtrack. Insiders say he is planning his next official event, “Jumping the Gun Laws.”

In other news…

• QUIET AUSTRALIAN WON’T SHUT UP
• NATUROPATH DIDN’T GET THE POINTS TO GET INTO MEDICINE
• PEOPLE SICK TO DEATH OF CORONAVIRUS
• WOKE ACTIVISTS VOW TO CANCEL AUSTRALIAN CULTURE IF THEY FIND ANY
• TRUMP VOTER SAYS VACCINE IS “A FLAT-EARTH SHATTERING MOMENT”

Tim Ferguson is a widely acclaimed comedian, writer, TV host, and a member of the Doug Anthony Allstars. You can follow him on Twitter at @RealTimFerguson