TONY ABBOTT JOINS THE TALKING DEAD 

Former Prime Minister For A Fortnight Tony Abbott has suggested elderly coronavirus victims should be left to die naturally, as if that wasn’t already on the cards.

“People should get on with their lives even in the presence of death,” said Abbott, wearing a peg on his nose to stop the stench.

Abbott spoke to a British Think-Tank-You-Very-Much, where extreme right-wing policies are exchanged without the awkwardness of facemasks or poor people.

Shuffling and moaning in a tinfoil mankini, Abbott nibbled brains with Knights and Dames ‘transitioning’ to Corpses and Cadavers.

Then they ate apples. Or onions. It’s hard to tell the difference.

A completely-tanked think-tanker thunk, “If God doesn’t like social distancing, why’d He put Earth in the middle of nowhere?”

HISTORY IS NOT WHAT IT USED TO BE

US President Donald Trump is concerned he’ll be harshly judged by history, despite his efforts to rewrite it.

Fortunately for Trump, history books are only read by six Americans, seven if you count the librarian.

Meanwhile, left-winged activists are demanding the erasure of ancient works they deem offensive. For example, Homer’s Odyssey is being erased because it has no diversity policy for one-eyed zombies.

A professor of ancient histrionics said, “Those who do not learn from history are doomed to like all of it.”

A Stop-The-History activist deleting TV comedies said, “We all need to learn from the present. Until tomorrow … then it will be history. So we will delete it.”

Activists chanted, “History repeats itself! History repeats itself! History repeats itself!”

SOCIAL DISTANCE MEDIA

Social-distance media giants are removing accounts promoting conspiracy theories and the hunting of unicorns.

Millions Rise for Australia, the anti-lockdown conspiracy group with six members plus two cats, was deleted by Facebook. The rebels started a new “backup” group – Millions Rise for Breakfast.

Conspiracy theorists marched against logic, a sinister conspiracy unleashed by the ancient Greeks.

“COVID–19 was masterminded by the Deep State of Confusion,” said a beery barbecue bore nearing the spitting stage. “They’ve been around since the Knights Templar in the year 1128, who created the protest movement, ‘My Body Is A Templar.’

“The Knights were going to conquer the world sooner, but had to wait for 5G.”

In other news…

• JOBSEEKER NOW JOBSICKER
• JOE BIDEN SO SENILE HE’S CAMPAIGNING WITH FACTS, RATIONALITY
• GERMAN RIGHT-WING PROTESTERS CAN’T SEE WHAT ALL THE FUSS IS ABOUT
• Qanon EXTREMISTS PREFER THEIR TOTALITARIANISM TO YOUR TOTALITARIANISM
• CATS MEETING AT NIGHT TO PREPARE THEIR NEXT MOVE

Tim Ferguson is a widely acclaimed comedian, writer, TV host, and a member of the Doug Anthony Allstars. You can follow him on Twitter at @RealTimFerguson