The federal government claims the Australian Constitution is lying.
Section 51 of the Constitution states the federal government is responsible for quarantines.
“The Constitution is a socialist cover-up,” said the talking head of the Prime Minister’s Not-My-Department.
“Section 51 is written in black-and-white in plain English, which is racist.”
The Constitution also erroneously claims nobody was living in Australia when it was discovered by men in wigs.
Presumably, the wigs were over their eyes.
A preamble recognising indigenous people’s 70,000-year presence in Australia remains a fraught political issue because it is true.
When asked about the Constitution, Morrison said, “I haven’t seen that document so I can’t comment on it.”
The architect of Donald Trump’s 2016 election win has been arrested for not being an architect.
Steve Bannon was charged with defrauding thousands of scaredy-cat wingnuts who donated cash to build a wall between America and everywhere else.
Bannon allegedly squandered $US25 million from a crowdfunding campaign called ‘We Build the Wall Without Actually Building A Wall’.
Bannon was arrested while wall-building on a luxury yacht.
Trump denied knowing Bannon. “I met him a few thousand times, but who really knows anyone?”
He said Bannon’s legal expenses would be paid by Mexico.
MORRISON DEFENDS GOVERNMENT’S HANDLING OF AGED-CARELESS
In regard to the elderly, PM Scott Morrison says it’s a grey area.
“We’ve got the aged care crisis under control,” said a government spokesman in a kerosene
“Former hot spots will now be referred to as tepid spots.”
The PM said, “It’s not as binary as a lot of people think. Or not.”
But his words mattered for nought. Or one.
ANTIVAXXERS WILL FIGHT VACCINE TO THE DEATH
Prime Minister Scott Morrison has walked back and forth and round and round his comment the coronavirus vaccine would be “mandatory”.
A spokeswoman clarified, “He means it will be mandatory if that’s okay by you.”
The PM said he likes the word mandatory, because it has “man” and “tory” in it.
An Anti-vaxxer said, “The COVID vaccine is a cash-grab by Bill Gates, who’s donated $36billion to charity… Um… it’s complicated.”
The government wants 95 per cent of Australians vaccinated. That is, they will only have to be vaccinated up to their necks.
In other news …
- JOE BIDEN WORLD’S OLDEST MAN TO ALMOST BECOME PRESIDENT
- STREET MARCHERS MARCH AGAINST STREET MARCHES,
WOKE MILLENNIAL CAUGHT NAPPING
- ACUPUNCTURIST MISSES THE POINT
- MELBOURNE’S ‘SECOND WAVE’ RENAMED ‘MEXICAN WAVE’
- HIPSTER WINE BAR FAILS THE PUB TEST
Tim Ferguson is a widely acclaimed comedian, writer, TV host, and a member of the Doug Anthony Allstars. You can follow him on Twitter at @RealTimFerguson