Entertainment People The Ferguson Report: Donald Trump accuses Kamala Harris of being female to win votes
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The Ferguson Report: Donald Trump accuses Kamala Harris of being female to win votes

Tim Ferguson dishes up the week in fake news. Photo: TND
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TABLOID MAGS SO DESPERATE THEY’RE RESORTING TO ACCURACY

In an act of desperation, a story in Women’s Weekly quoted a “close friend of the Royals” who really is a close friend of the Royals.

Since Bauer Media Australia was picked up at a garage sale by Mercury Capital, Australian tabloid magazines have dropped their prices to $2.50. That’s for the whole publishing enterprise.

To make things worse, the tabloids are breaking stories on each other.
Take 5 magazine claims Woman’s Day is pregnant to Prince Harry and was photographed pashing Brad Pitt on Jennifer Aniston’s bikini-bulge.

Who Magazine is changing its name to What Magazine?

And New Idea is seeking a new idea.

New economic recession magazines:

  • NO CHOICE
  • Donna Hay’s ‘Cooking With Hay’
  • Fewer Homes & Gardens

Despite the crisis, News Limited is keeping their news limited to limited news.

TRUMP ACCUSES KAMALA HARRIS OF BEING FEMALE

US President Donald Trump says Democratic vice-presidential candidate Kamala Harris is only being female to win votes.

Trump accused Harris of being “disrespectful” in the same breath he called Elizabeth Warren “Pocahontas”.

“For a former attorney general she can’t sentence a string together,“ said Trump tripping over his own words and fracturing his vocabulary.

GREENS ATTACK ANTI-VAXXERS TO AVOID EXTINCTION (IT’S COMPLICATED)

Greens senator Sarah Hanson-Young has warned against anti-vaccination lunacy infecting her party.

Data shows low immunisation rates in Greens strongholds (which are very strong despite their low protein diet).

The strongholds include Byron Bay (‘Land Of The Cashed-Up Washed-Ups’) and inner-city Melbourne (‘Land Of The Land-Lovers Who Don’t Live On The Land’).

The Adelaide Hills are also infested with Green Anti-Everythings. A spokesman said, “Be afraid. The Adelaide Hills have eyes.”

One anti-vaxxer went green, but only because she died of smallpox.

“We want to fill the party’s coffers, not fill the party with coughers,” said a Greens spokesman for the Save The Dingbats campaign.

Sarah Hanson-Young asked politicians to resist the influence of “a dangerous anti-science agenda”.

But a hipster fired back, “Rocket science is not rocket science. What goes up must come down with polio.”

RUSSIAN THROUGH THE VACCINE TRIALS

The Russian COVID vaccine has skipped the testing phase “because lives are at risk”.

Russian scientists published a paper, it just didn’t have anything written on it.

The vaccine has been approved by Russia’s health ministry, who have asked if their loved ones can be released now.

The vaccination process will be performed by Russian Daleks shouting “Inoculate! Inoculate!”

The vaccine can be taken orally – for those who prefer having a needle stuck into their tongue.

In other news …

  • ASTROPHYSICIST’S ARGUMENT FULL OF BLACK HOLES
  • AUSTRALIAN DRAMA MOVIE WINS AWARD FOR LONGEST BLEAK PAUSE
  • THE BACHELOR SEPARATED AT THE FIRST SIGHT
  • DONALD TRUMP WINS NOBEL PRIZE FOR ILLITERATURE
  • CELEBRITY CHEF GUILTY OF COOKING BOOKS

Tim Ferguson is a widely acclaimed comedian, writer, TV host, and a member of the Doug Anthony Allstars. You can follow him on Twitter at @RealTimFerguson