TABLOID SEX ROMP OUTRAGE HOKEY POKEY [INSERT FIB HERE]
Prince Harry and Meghan Markle have accused some British newspapers of intrusive, inaccurate and sometimes racist coverage. The papers have hit back at the outrageous use of the word “sometimes”.
“We are sick of the press invading our privates,” Harry droned from his private jet.
For the misuse of family photos, the couple are demanding royalties. Yet in March they seemed happy to be rid of them.
“Would everyone please just leave us alone!” the couple Tweeted, Instagramed, Facebooked, TikToked, Snapchattered, Pinterested and Reddited.
SHARIN’ AND KAREN
An angry woman entered Bunnings walking backwards wearing a mask on back to front. When confronted by staff she tripped on her own words.
Another fully-faced freedom-flaunter stormed up to the service desk and ordered a carton of unmasking tape.
Meanwhile, 100,000 women named Karen have marched in activewear to declare not all Karens are the same.
REALITY IS A HOAX
The Victorian Government has a new advertising campaign stressing “COVID-19 is real”.
Controversially, their next campaign claims “Oxygen is real”.
One anti-mask protester believes the best way to win any argument is to put air commas around words like “evidence”, “deadly” and “common sense”. Their air-quotes were undermined by the non-existence of air.
One anti-oxygen protester wore a T-shirt saying “Stop Me Before I Breathe Again!” Several masked vigilantes offered to assist.
Meanwhile, a maskless man claimed Uluru is a ‘hoax’. “A rock that doesn’t roll? Conspiracy!”
A Cancel Cultural Attaché has announced that all war movies are racist, even the ones between white people.
“Killing Nazis is racist,” said a terribly serious student who studies terribly, terribly serious Film Studies (otherwise known as ‘Watching Netflix While Disapproving’).
“It’s guaranteed some of those young Nazis killed in Saving Private Ryan were LGBTQIA and other letters we haven’t thought of yet, possibly in the Greek alphabet.”
He condemned Mel Brooks’ parody of Nazism in his song Springtime for Hitler. “It is not a laughing matter. Hitler liked all four seasons. And he was a vegan, therefore a vulnerable minority.”
Culturally cancelled films are already in production.
The re-woked, all-inclusive, Native American classic – All of the Mohicans.
The appropriately appropriated – The Body-Shamed Red Line.
And Roy Roger’s horse will now be known as “Triggered.”
In other news…
- VERY IMPORTANT PURPOSE OF RALLY OBSCURED BY THE ACT OF HAVING A RALLY
- MELBOURNE QUARANTINE SECURITY GUARD OFFERS FREE ROOM SERVICING
- PSYCHIC SAW COVID COMING BUT FORGOT TO MENTION IT
- GAY MARRIAGE ALREADY OLD-FASHIONED
- TRUMP TO DELAY ELECTION UNTIL HELL FREEZES OPRAH
Tim Ferguson is a widely acclaimed comedian, writer, TV host, and a member of the Doug Anthony Allstars. You can follow him on Twitter at @RealTimFerguson