QANON-BRAINERS

Thousands of Australians are joining QAnon, the Twitter-banned fringe group that believes the coronavirus is a hoax designed to inject fluoride into fake Mars landings.

Dressed in tinfoil leisure suits, QAnon-brainers are anti-lockdown, anti-mask and anti-vaccine, but pro-paranoia and pro-noun.

QAnon-thinkers believe the coronavirus is flat. Their brainwaves are a similar shape.

QAnon includes various fringe groups:

• Wine Mums: a secretive and giddy group with bottles hidden around the house
• Quasi-spiritualists: 25 percent spiritual / 75 percent website
• Homeopaths: sellers of water-gimmicks who claim Placebo is the best medicine
• Apocalypse Predicters: people who predict the end of the world but buy health insurance anyway
• That Bloke At The Barbecue Who Calls People “Sheeple” But Dresses Like All The Other Hipsters

[If you are approached by QAnon, immediately contact your local Lizard Person.]

TRUMP TESTING TIMES

US President Donald Trump claims he “aced” a senility test. It’s not clear whether he meant his senility is “The best ever” or just “Better than Joe Biden’s”.

Trump actually took the test 19 times but only remembers doing it once. He had to name five things starting with F. He answered, “Fake, Fake, Fake and Fake”.

Trump claims the last five questions were the hardest. There were only four questions.

See if YOU can pass the test…

What is ‘Ginger’?
A: a biscuit
B: what happens before ‘Vitis’
C: sprayed on thickly

Is this a picture of a giraffe or an actual giraffe?
A: Yes
B: No
C: Moo

What does POTUS stand for?
A: Put On These UnderpantS
B: President Of The Untrue Statistics
C: What do I stand for? Is that a trick question?

What is $2trillion?
A: This week’s US national debt
B: A fair wage for the Trump children
C: A giraffe

GAME OF THRONES PRE-PREQUEL SEQUEL AFTERMATH BEFOREMATH

Fans eagerly anticipate the series prequel to the bloodthirsty swear-bear nudie-romp Game of Thrones. The new series of unfortunate events even more unfortunate than the other unfortunate events is named House of the Dragon-On.

An anonymous background extra from the show leaked his dialogue – “Rhubarb, rhubarb, peas and carrots, peas and carrots.”

Fans look forward to meeting a host of new GoT characters who’ll be swiftly knocked up or knocked off. Or both. At once. Twice.

There are two camps: Those who watch Game of Thrones, and those who insist on telling everybody they don’t.

Warning: Game of Thrones is not to be viewed by adults.

In other news…

• ORCHESTRA STRUCK BY LIGHTNING BLAMED ON BAD CONDUCTOR
• CENSORS SHOCKED WIZARD OF OZ LION IS WEARING NO PANTS
• CANCEL-CULTURE ENDORSES NON-STOP TEST-PATTERN
• MORBIDLY OBESE GOOD-FOR-NOTHING FOUND LIVING ON SLOBKEEPER
• STREET MARCHER THINKS IT MAKES A DIFFERENCE

Tim Ferguson is a widely acclaimed comedian, writer, TV host, and a member of the Doug Anthony Allstars. You can follow him on Twitter at @RealTimFerguson