Entertainment People The Ferguson Report: Victoria’s patient zero is a ‘very noughty boy’
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The Ferguson Report: Victoria’s patient zero is a ‘very noughty boy’

Tim Ferguson dishes up the week in fake news. Photo: TND
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MUCH ADO ABOUT PATIENT ZERO

A Melbourne man has been identified as the likely “Patient Zero” for the COVID outbreak hitting Sydney.

The Victorian Premier has called for more Patient Zero tolerance. “He’s not Patient Zero, he’s just a very noughty boy.”

Sadly, “Patient 12 Below Zero” has died of exposure.

Patient Zero said, “It’s like I don’t exist! I’m treated like I’m just a numeral.” But he enjoyed meeting Japan’s own Patient Zero. “It was great. We had nothing in common!” 

JOBDODGER

The Federal Government has unveiled the latest employment program, ‘JobBludger’.

It’s for people who used to call welfare recipients ‘bludgers’ but who now live high on ‘JobKeeper’.

The Minister for Employment (who has somehow kept his job) said, “Jobkeeper, Jobseeker and JobTrainer gave the ludicrous impression there are jobs for keeping, seeking or training. Oops.”

A government spokeswoman in a T-shirt saying ‘Will Pretend To Work For Cash’ said, “JobBludgers will learn new skills – channel-surfing, Uber-ordering and complaining about JobBludger-bludgers.”

The Government has thrown $1.5 billion at an apprenticeship scheme, ‘BuilderBludger’, because right now, so many Australians have spare cash for home renovations.

An anti-immigration activist is demanding a new payment scheme: They’reTakingOurJobKeepers.

POKÉMON FACE

Victorians have been fined for leaving home to play Pokémon Go.

Nintendo is releasing a new game called Pokémon STAY! And a special Melbourne edition – Pokémon FOR GOD’S SAKE STAY INSIDE!

A man playing Pokémon Go caught the elusive character ‘Coronachu’. He was immediately hospitalised.

COCAINE EPIDEMIC NOTHING TO SNIFF AT

Health authorities claim Cocaine use in Australia is at a 20-year high as a kite.

So many people are using cocaine, arts funding bodies are struggling to process their “totally mind-blowing” new movie concepts.

Such as:

The Cook, the Thief, his Wife, and I’ve Forgotten The Next One

The Great Hornsby

How To Train Your Dealer

Hey Dude, Where’s My Attention Deficit?

Diamonds Are, Like, So Hot Right Now

Health authorities are urging all users to wear a mask before snorting. A concerned official said, “There’s a lot on the line here … I’ll just take care of that.”

Authorities are asking people to think twice before sniffing their crack.

In other news…

  • ANTI-VAXXER SUES AFTER BEING BLINDSIDED BY SCIENCE
  • AUSSIE WHITE SUPREMACIST ENDORSES “MULLETY-CULTURALISM”
  • DEBT COLLECTORS WILL GET WHAT’S COMING TO THEM
  • MELBOURNE DOES SYDNEY/MELBOURNE RIVALRY BETTER
  • KANYE WEST PROMISES TO USHER IN BLING DYNASTY
  • TRUMP WILL WIN THE ELECTION. (MADE YOU LOOK!)

Tim Ferguson is a widely acclaimed comedian, writer, TV host, and a member of the Doug Anthony Allstars. You can follow him on Twitter at @RealTimFerguson