Entertainment People The Ferguson Report: Visit Melbourne … on second thought, don’t
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The Ferguson Report: Visit Melbourne … on second thought, don’t

Tim Ferguson dishes up the week in fake news. Photo: TND
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AUSTRALIA’S MOST LIVEABLE CITY COULD KILL YOU

The city of Melbourne proudly boasts its status as the “World’s Most Liveable City”, awarded by the Global Liveability Index, as if it’s a good thing.

But a woman who once visited Melbourne for 30 years said, “Married At First Sight is liveable. Porridge without sugar is liveable. Coronavirus… no … wait.”

Victorian numberplates will now read, Victoria – State Of Emergency.

A hipster in classic Melbourne attire – goat-ish goatee and overpriced fair-trade hemp hat – said, “Melbourne weather keeps our virus hotspots cold.”

A Melbournian suffering under the weight of an enormous chip on his shoulder said, “We don’t like being locked down upon by anyone!”

The Victorian Liberal Party condemned Labor Premier Daniel Andrews for opening the lockdown then closing the reopening. They are keeping their minds wide open/shut.

CENSORSHIP SINKING

Streaming sites are re-editing their old movies to make them less offensive.
(Black and white movies will be banned for obvious reasons.)

For less offensive movie titles, tune in to their new virtue signal. You’ll see…
FULL METAL CARDIGAN
DIFFERENCE OF VALID OPINIONS AT THE O.K. CORRAL
THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE AESTHETICALLY DISADVANTAGED
NATURAL BORN TROLLS
THE MAN WHO SHOVED LIBERTY VALENCE
THE GUNS I’VE NEVER OWNED
HELP MOMMA FROM THE TRAIN
I DON’T KNOW HOW SHE/HE/THEY DOES IT

SEATTLE’S PROTEST ‘AUTONOMOUS ZONE’ DE-FUNDED

Seattle’s police-free area, Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone (CHAZ), has been busted.

CHAZ was evacuated after the zone’s number of impulsive shootings reached levels normally reserved for police. The police were called in to police the lack of police.

CHAZ was previously called the Capitol Hill Organized Protest. The name was changed because anarchists were “uncomfortable” with the word “Organised”, and ‘CHOP’ is offensive to vegans.

TRUMP WEARING NO PENCE

Vice President Michael Pence has accidentally supported facemasks and social distancing.

A Republican who used to talk like a Republican said, “Pence’s shocking blunder reeks of ‘common sense’.”

Vice President Pence implored Americans to practice social distancing and stay away from senior citizens. At that point everyone left the room.

Pence is now rarely seen without his About-Facemask.

Meanwhile, McDonald’s are now offering masks made from sesame seed buns called Stuff Your Facemask.

In other news…

  • AUSTRALIA’S $270 BILLION MILITARY BUILDUP WILL BUY US 3 SECONDS, 4 IF IT’S RAINING
  • VEGAN SAVING THE PLANET ONE METHANE EMISSION AT A TIME
  • SUICIDE BOMBER HAS COVER BLOWN
  • NEW AUSTRALIAN-MADE LOGO DESIGNED IN TAIWAN
  • HIPSTER CLAIMS DRESSING LIKE A LUMBERJACK IS NOT AN ENDORSEMENT OF LUMBERJACKS
  • LINGUIST LAPSES INTO COMMA

Tim Ferguson is a widely acclaimed comedian, writer, TV host, and a member of the Doug Anthony Allstars. You can follow him on Twitter at @RealTimFerguson