BONG SIDE OF THE TRACKS

Liberal MP Tim Smith, says Victoria’s COVID-19 spike is likely down to street marchers “getting on the bongs”.

One bonging protester who got lost on his way to the convenience store mumbled into a megaphone:

What do we want?

Ice cream!

When do we want it?

… er, what?

One protester was arrested after throwing her baby out with the bong water. A bong-addled protester was found glued to the television.

LETTERS OF DISMAL DISMISSAL DISMAY

The Australian Republic Movement relishes the release of the 1975 letters from the Queen to GG John Kerr advising him about Royal Ascot race tips.

Republicans hope to replace the Queen with an Australian politician – an idea that sounds better with every beer.

Former PM Malcolm Turnbull is a lifelong Republican who’s outlived his republicanism. He bravely seized government so he could avoid the topic entirely.

History has shown that God did save the Queen, and all the governors-general.

A spokeswoman for the Republican Cocktail Party admitted, “The republic debate is like banging your Head of State against a brick wall.”

PRO-MARCH MARCH NOT MARCH CHOP 

The latest pro-march street march kept veering off-track as organisers followed directions from the COVIDsafe app.

The app identified 10,000 marchers were at risk from the other 10,000.

Protesters are delighted their efforts have gone viral.

A protester protected by his tinfoil hat said, “We march for all Australians – except aged people and those with underlying medical conditions placing them at a greater risk of death by coronavirus.

“People who cannot afford to get sick make me sick.”

A COVIDunsafe protester with a nasty cough said, “The tricky bit is marching shoulder-to-shoulder 1.5 metres apart.”

Organisers have solved the problem by having one protester march every day for the next 10,000 days.

Meanwhile, millions of anti-pro-march-marchers held a protest by not marching. Nobody noticed.

SHOCK!! HORROR!! ENGLISH GO TO ENGLISH BEACH. IN ENGLAND.

Thousands of English people have defied social-distancing rules by flocking to what they call “the beach”.

The English bathers in bathers defied the risk of drowning in the ankle-deep tepid tide of tap-water they call “surf”.

Authorities have warned against people swarming outdoors to bask in “British sunlight”, a rarely-glimpsed phenomenon almost as bright as the night-time Northern Lights.

In other news…

• TRUMP’S SILENT MAJORITY ALSO INVISIBLE
• COVID-19 IS GOD’S VENGEANCE FOR GAY MARRIAGE, NUDE BATHING, PUBLIC BREASTFEEDING, JAYWALKING & ADELAIDE
• GUN STORES LIMIT SALES TO ARMAGEDDON ENTHUSIASTS TO ONE BULLET EACH
• LINGUIST DIES OF PUNCTUATED LUNG
• PM SAYS CYBER ATTACK’S ‘SOPHISTICATED STATE-BASED ACTOR’ IS NOT NICOLE KIDMAN

Tim Ferguson is a widely acclaimed comedian, writer, TV host, and a member of the Doug Anthony Allstars. You can follow him on Twitter at @RealTimFerguson