Entertainment People The Ferguson Report: Panic spreads from rort to branch
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The Ferguson Report: Panic spreads from rort to branch

Tim Ferguson dishes up the week in fake news. Photo: TND
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LABOR PARTY STACKED BRANCHES TO BURN THEIR BRIDGES 

Explosive allegations of branch-stacking in the ALP have sparked panic among Labor Party stalwarts and hogwarts.

An investigation by 60 Minutes and The Age (together at last!) alleges Adem Somyurek, a state politician, acted like a state politician.

It’s alleged Somyurek, a member of the ALP Slytherin Faction, used harsh language when describing Labor Party politicians. “Who hasn’t?” said a Labor premier who shall remain shameless.

Somyurek allegedly handed over cash to create fake branch members to compete with the other fake branch members.

60 Minutes and The Age is a combination that sounds better every time you scream it into your pillow. A spokeswoman said, “We are young and naïve because we are The Age of 60 Minutes.”

The Labor party is just like the big banks – dodgy branches everywhere.

WORKLESS OF ART

Self-taught Education Minister Dan Tehan will double the cost of Arts degrees, leaving graduates even poorer than usual.

“It’s a pain in the Arts,” said an arts administrator who doesn’t know much about art but knows what she’ll spend your tax money on.

MAN BELIEVES TWEET

An Australian man has admitted to believing something he read on Twitter.

“I am so embarrassed,” he tweeted spuriously.

Meanwhile, Foreign Minister Marise Payne claims roguish nations run 32,000 Twitter accounts spreading disinformation, according to a tweet she read.

An inebriated Twitterer said, “I’m not drunk, I’m just off my Facebook.”

EXTREMISTS MEET IN THE MIDDLE THEN SWAP

UK Nazi white supremacists became confused while defending a statue of Winston Churchill from Antifa antifascists.

A spokeswoman explained that Winston Churchill is renowned for defending the world against Nazism. The white supremacists apologised for the confusion.

Meanwhile, Antifa activists condemned the statue as a symbol of fascist racism.

They were surprised to hear the spokeswoman explain, “While Winston Churchill’s fight against Germans was most certainly racist, he is arguably the world’s most successful antifascist. So…”

Meanwhile, a Communist activist shot himself in the apparatchik.

The Nazis and antifascists agreed to disagree that Churchill was a flawed but admirable human. They joined forces to topple a living statue busking in Piccadilly Circus. The street artist offered no comment.

In other news…

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  • FOUL PLAY SUSPECTED WHEN FAKE BRANCH MEMBER FALLS OFF THE TWIG
  • COVID-RIDDEN RUGBY LEAGUE TEAMS CHANGE NAMES – THE PENRITH PANTERS & THE BRISBANE BRONCHIOLES
  • <i>STAR WARS</i> STORMTROOPERS HAVE MOTHERS TOO

Tim Ferguson is a widely acclaimed comedian, writer, TV host, and a member of the Doug Anthony Allstars. You can follow him on Twitter at @RealTimFerguson