TRUMP CLAIMS ‘ANTIFA’ ACTIVE SINCE 1939

US President Donald ‘Orange You Glad I’m POTUS?’ Trump has accused the anti-fascist Antifa movement of undermining America since 1939.

Trump claims anti-fascism (a loony-leftist ideology started by UK activist Winston Churchill) is a bad thing.

Trump has formed his own protest movement, called ANTIFACTS.

IT TAKES A SPILLAGE

A supermarket fight has broken out after a spillage in Aisle 5.

Since the easing of social distancing, Australian shoppers have celebrated by fighting over cornflakes like the zombies are coming.

Supermarkets now have a checkout line for people with ‘No More Than 12 Profanities’.

One store’s new slogan is – “Down, Down, You Goin’ Down!” They’re offering customers free hand sanitiser, surgical masks and boxing gloves.

The trend has birthed a new sport – Mixed Market Arts.

“At the peak of the COVID-19 crisis, there was a disturbing rise in politeness,” said a man mopping blood in Aisle 5.

“But now, our Aussie tradition of loathing others has returned with gusto! Wait… is ‘gusto’  an Italian word?”

TRUMP ATTACKS MAIL-VOTING DUE TO ITS SUSCEPTIBILITY TO ACCURACY

US President Donald Trump has stamped on mail-voting and demanded the voting age be raised to 118.

A White House spokeswoman waving a flag at half–mask said, “All those in favour of non-voting say nothing.”

38 per cent of American eligible voters did not vote in 2016. “If we can reach 51 per cent of voters voting against voting, we will do away with voting entirely. That’s the essence of democracy.”

Trump has also attacked donkey-voting due to donkeys being unable to hold a pencil.

Meanwhile, the 1.5 million Australians who failed to vote at the last Federal election feel their wishes are ignored. Non-voters are demanding they have a say … but not in so many words.

BIDEN TIME TO BE KEPT SHORT

US Presidential hopeful Joe Biden’s political narrative ends at lunchtime on Inauguration Day.

The Biden narrative is a powerful story of American triumph over Trump. After that, it gets blurry. Something about afternoon tea, a heart-warming speech and then heart-warming with defibrillators.

The paperback version of Biden’s political narrative is entitled “One Shade of Grey”.

Biden has already written his inauguration speech – “The End.”

In other news…

• TODAY’S NEWS ERASED UNTIL IT CAN BE GIVEN HISTORICAL CONTEXT
• JAPANESE CHEF UNDERGOING ANGER MANAGEMENT AFTER FAILING TO CONTROL HIS TEMPURA
• TWEET’S IMPORTANCE UNDERMINED BY IT BEING JUST A TWEET
• GONE WITH THE WIND GONE WITH THE WIND
• CHICKEN CLAIMS ITS REASONS FOR CROSSING THE ROAD WERE ACTUALLY QUITE COMPLEX

Tim Ferguson is a widely acclaimed comedian, writer, TV host, and a member of the Doug Anthony Allstars. You can follow him on Twitter at @RealTimFerguson