Entertainment People The Ferguson Report: Biden forgets himself, Trump muzzles his mask
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The Ferguson Report: Biden forgets himself, Trump muzzles his mask

Tim Ferguson dishes up the week in fake news. Photo: TND
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JOE BIDEN SO DISORIENTED HE’S VOTING FOR JOE BIDEN

The Democrats’ 77-year-old presidential hopeful Joe Biden plans to vote for himself – if he can find time between naps.

Biden is seeking someone to be a heart murmur away from the presidency, a running mate who can actually run. He’s considering a female VP “because women live longer.”

Biden shot back at accusations he is too old. “You are only as young as the people you feel … Hang on … You only feel young people … No, wait…”

Biden describes himself as a late Baby Bloomer. He said, “Age is no barrier, I plan to outlive myself.”

WHITE HOUSE WORKERS WEARING MASKS TO PROTECT THEMSELVES FROM TRUMP

US President Donald ‘Agent Orange’ Trump is ground zero for the White House coronavirus due to his refusal to wear a mask and a muzzle.

Trump has called for calm, assuring everyone that all his closest aides are six feet away from him. Just under the White House lawn.

A US Centre for Disease Control expert keeps advising Trump to take more of the drug hydroxychloroquine. She sighed sadly. “But it’s not having the desired effect.”

WHAT’S APP-ENING?

A hacker with a dry cough said, “It was easy to crack the combination to the COVIDSafe. But it’s taking me ages to put 5.3 million numbers in my contacts.”

A shadowy figure in a deep state of Deep State said, “People fear their personal details will be exploited. Just like Amazon, Facebook, Google…

“So, let’s get Bezos, Zuckerberg and Doctor Google to release the info and cut out the evil government lizard man.”

Some people refuse to download the app because they are under the mistaken impression they are interesting.

The COVIDSafe app is being used as a dating app. A single man said, “I swiped left, but I hit a tree. Shortly after, I met my true love in the ER. I thought she took my breath away. But then I realised she took my ventilator away.”

A government spokeswoman said, “Our use of your private information is Dutton to worry about.”

BORDER CLOSED BETWEEN QUEENSLAND AND TASMANIA

Queensland and Tasmanian borders will remain closed for five months – or longer if we can find an excuse.

“Queensland!” said a Queenslander who has never left Queensland.

“Beautiful one day, perfect the next. It’s the day after that when things turn ugly.”

“Tasmania!” said a Tasmanian unable to leave Tasmania. “So many people. So few surnames.”

A Queensland policeman stuffing unmarked bills into his boardshorts said, “Does this mean if Pauline Hanson goes to Canberra it’s an illegal border crossing?”

In other news…

  • CROP CIRCLE EXPOSED AS RECTANGLE
  • HOMEOPATHY MEDICINE MISTAKENLY USED AS MEDICINE
  • AIRLINE PILOT WANTS TO WORK FROM HOME
  • PANIC BUYER RESORTING TO EATING TOILET PAPER
  • HOUSEHOLD CAT WISHES TO BE KNOWN AS ‘HOUSEHOLDER CAT’