Entertainment People The Ferguson Report: Conspiracy theories edition
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The Ferguson Report: Conspiracy theories edition

Tim Ferguson dishes up the week in fake news. Photo: TND
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PROTESTERS AGAINST LOCKDOWN PUT IN LOCKUP

Melbourne’s Parliament House was swarmed by protesters chanting that coronavirus is a conspiracy, vaccines contain gluten and 5G is a risky chess move.

The police spotted the protesters easily due to their tinfoil hats and convincingly human appearance.

A man in a Nazi T-shirt accused the government of fascism. The anti-lockdown protester was dragged into lockup saying, “The irony of this situation is caused by chemtrails.”

The crowd’s heated chanting caused temperatures to rise to 37.8 degrees.

After the protest, the participants flaunted social distancing rules and gathered in a local park to drink disinfectant.

BILL GATES ARRESTED BY MELBOURNE POLICE

Microsoft founder Bill Gates has been arrested by Melbourne police after Melbourne protesters chanted “Arrest Bill Gates!” as if it were possible.

Conspiracy theorists blame Bill Gates for his role in funding health programs, medical research and other causes of autism.

But scientists claim Mr Gates is secretly a Flat-Earther. “Google Maps is 2-Dimensional. Google-Earth only works on a flat screen. Proof!”

WINDFARM ACTIVIST FEELING LEFT OUT

A windfarm activist claims new conspiracies have blown him away. “Last year, everyone believed windfarms caused sleeplessness, wakelessness and old age. But now, every non-existent threat is taking the blame.”

The activist became so disillusioned that he went out and shot the breeze. He missed.

PETE EVANS DEFENDS HALF-BAKED CLAIMS AS FULLY-BAKED CLAMS

Until a recent outbreak of common sense, celebrity chef Pete Evans was selling a miraculous ‘light machine’ for only $14,990.

The miracule machine was described as a “hybrid subtle energy revitalisation platform” and in other words chosen at random.

Opportunistic scammers have exploited the gap with wacky gadgets called “lightbulbs”. Thousands of gullible idiots are buying these wacky “lightbulbs” in the unlikely hope they’ll finally see things clearly.

Swindlers claim the lightbulbs “illuminate” entire lounge rooms. They even claim a lightbulb switches off when you close your fridge. Seriously.

One conspiracy theorist (whose name remains unknown due to disinterest) insists lightbulbs are everywhere. “Why don’t people notice the lightbulbs? Because they’re programmed to not see them by the Deep State!”

The Deep State is a big secret, known only to the millions of people who tweet about it.

In other news…

  • THE GREAT UNWASHED WASHING HANDS AT LAST
  • RELAXING OF RULES CAUSES ANXIETY
  • DUTTON CLAIMS QLD GOVT ALMOST AS CORRUPT AS SPORTSGATE
  • TRUMP DISMISSES OBAMA AS A ‘DISGRUNTLED FORMER EMPLOYEE’
  • TOILET PAPER INDUSTRY HITS BOTTOM