The Ferguson Report: Schools open wide and say 3Rs, but not for long

Tim Ferguson
May 09, 2020, updated May 08, 2020

Tim Ferguson dishes up the week in fake news. Photo: TND

SCHOOLS TO RE-OPEN SO THEY CAN RE-CLOSE THEN RE-OPEN THEN RE-CLOSE ETC…

Prime Minister Scott Morrison wants all public schools to return to face-to-face learning, despite face-to-face being way too close, even in normal times.

A government spokesman wearing a face mask over his clown mask said, “Missing six months of school will rob students of skills they’ll need to correctly apply for JobSeeker.”

But a teacher said six months will make no difference.

“Thirteen years is not long enough to teach Australian students the difference between ‘your’ and ‘you’re’, or the unfathomable intricacies of spelling ‘there’ and ‘their’.”

A school principal said, “The demand for students to return to school ignores that most Australians students are (and I’m choosing my words carefully so as not to upset anyone) lazy and stupid.”

“In my day, everyone at school was lazy and stupid – it never did us any harm,” said a government minister.

PAULINE’S JOBKEEPER JOBCAPER

One Nation Front leader Pauline ‘No Point Explaining’ Hanson wants new JobSeeker recipients to be cut off from the public purse within two years.

Pauline publicly pursed her lips and said, “Peter Piper Picked a Peck of Pickled Peppers… so you won’t see him on the dole.”

Hanson, like all senators, is a non-essential casual worker. She receives a JobKeeper allowance of over $200,000 for coming up with wacky ideas like this one.

Senator Hanson practices social distancing. She keeps her critical thinking faculties 1.5 metres away from her mouth.

ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE EASIER WITH STREAMING VIDEOS

Streaming services like Netflix, Stan and Apple TV will make the future zombie apocalypse more digestible.

There is nothing more comforting at this troubling time than sitting back and watching shows like Pandemic and Chernobyl.

A wandering Zombie, coincidentally from Adelaide, said, “I will happily refrain from eating human brains if I can watch a new zombie series like Eaten At First Sight and Brains Or No Brains.”

An isolated spokeswoman said, “Streaming services remind me of a simpler time when families would sit in front of the TV watching streaming shows. Ahh, it takes you back almost four weeks…”

One drunken binge viewer in wet Speedos and a beer hat, also coincidentally from Adelaide, said, “I love it, it takes my mind off taking my mind off things.”

In other news…