ENTIRE TRUMP PRESIDENCY MEANT SARCASTICALLY

The White House claims the speeches of US President Donald Trump are written to boost the fading career of Alec Baldwin.

“Only fake news would take Donald seriously,” said a spokesman with a straight clown-face.

“The President takes no responsibility for people drinking cleaning products simply because he suggested it. It’s a kind of humour we call ‘Deadpan Before Bedpan’. Watch a Trump coronavirus press conference – he kills every time!”

COVIDSAFE APP SEEN ACTING SUSPICIOUSLY

The COVIDSafe app has been observed loitering at a fully disclosed location. The app is being closely watched by the Minister for Home-Alone Affairs, Peter Dutton-Better-To-Do.

An ASIO agent who denies being an ASIO agent said, “It’s an App-Trap. Soon, all the do-gooders will install it. Then we’ll round up everyone else.”

A conspiracy theorist rejects the app. ‘I demand privacy! I refuse to be watched as I go from the couch to the fridge and back again. What if everybody can read my tweets?’

A Flat Earth 5G Antivax Lizard Person agreed. ‘It’s enough to make me pointlessly paranoid.’

Speaking of pointless, One Nation Front’s Senator Pauline Hanson said she has no intention of installing the app. “I don’t trust the government,” she said as if anyone was listening.

Roustabout backbencher (Not a metaphor) Barnaby Joyce refuses to download COVIDSafe until he gets a briefing “from the responsible minister”.

The search is underway for a responsible minister.

PENCE BARE-FACED ABOUT BEING BARE-FACED

US Vice-President Mike ‘Trump-Drunk’ Pence refused to wear a face mask while visiting a medical centre because after three years of social nearness to Trump, he wants to die.

Mr Pence said he will keep putting on a brave face but will no longer wear pants “because why not”. Pence will have meetings off the cuff and on the fly, but not in that way.

When asked if the sight of an old man in his jocks would scare the patients, Pence said, “Bleach to their own.”

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