TURNBULL MEMOIR SOLVES TOILET PAPER SHORTAGE
Former PM Malcom Turnbull’s memoir, A Bigger Puncture, is highly absorbent once you’ve wrung out the tears.
What’s his memoir about? Tony Abbott. The two men blame each other for their own failings, otherwise known as Peter Dutton and Barnaby Joyce.
Abbott has called Turnbull all the names in the book, apart from ‘Malcolm’. The book was apparently ghostwritten, which explains its complete lack of substance.
Turnbull is already writing his next book, which will be about the reactions to his current book.
He is also writing a movie trilogy – Raiders of The Lost Plot, The Untrueman Show and The Silence of the Lambie.
As is customary, Malcolm’s next book will be illegally released by the Prime Minister’s Office.
TRUMP DECLARES AMERICA OPEN/SHUT
US President Donald ‘Push Me – Pull You’ Trump has tweeted Americans must “LIBERATE” and “ISOLATE!” at the same time. The President is having it both ways and America is getting it both ways.
The Whitehouse has a new slogan: “Give me liberty or give me death! Or give me both!”
Trump trumpeted – “We can’t have Americans isolated with their families. It’s like all their Christmases have come at once.”
HARRY & MEGHAN SHOCK HORROR SCANDAL HO-HUM
The biggest news this week is that Harry and Megan refuse to be the biggest news this week.
Prince Harry and his wife, Meghan Markle, are cutting communications with Britain’s four biggest tabloids, The Daily Maul, The Mirror-Mirror, The Clickbait and The Brexit Broke It.
“There will be no corroboration and zero engagement,” they wrote in a corroborative engagement.
Harry and Meghan would like everyone to understand they just want to left alone, in Los Angeles, being photographed delivering foods parcels to the poor, just like normal people.
A Royal watcher (much like a stalker but wearing a bow tie) claims, “This is like our bogus old claim that Prince Charles married Camilla Parker Bowles. Obviously, that was a joke, and in poor taste.”
In other news…
IT’S GREAT TO HAVE A MAN ABOUT THE HOUSE UNTIL YOU HAVE A MAN ABOUT THE HOUSE ALL. THE. TIME.
STILL NO FINES FOR NOT WASHING YOUR ELBOWS
CONSPIRACY THEORISTS EASILY IDENTIFIED BY THE PHRASE “I’M NOT A CONSPIRACY THEORIST, BUT…”
TRUMP BANS IMMIGRATION FOR 60 DAYS. IMMIGRANTS NOW ARRIVING DURING NIGHTS
USA REFUSES TO PUT PLAN TO SUE CHINA OUT OF ITS MISSOURI
SOUTH AUSTRALIA REOPENS BORDERS. NOBODY NOTICES.