The Ferguson Report: Turnbull’s book is a bit rough but very absorbing

Tim Ferguson
Apr 24, 2020, updated Apr 25, 2020

Tim Ferguson dishes up the week in fake news. Photo: TND

TURNBULL MEMOIR SOLVES TOILET PAPER SHORTAGE

Former PM Malcom Turnbull’s memoir, A Bigger Puncture, is highly absorbent once you’ve wrung out the tears.

What’s his memoir about? Tony Abbott. The two men blame each other for their own failings, otherwise known as Peter Dutton and Barnaby Joyce.

Abbott has called Turnbull all the names in the book, apart from ‘Malcolm’. The book was apparently ghostwritten, which explains its complete lack of substance.

Turnbull is already writing his next book, which will be about the reactions to his current book.

He is also writing a movie trilogy – Raiders of The Lost Plot, The Untrueman Show and The Silence of the Lambie.

As is customary, Malcolm’s next book will be illegally released by the Prime Minister’s Office.

TRUMP DECLARES AMERICA OPEN/SHUT

US President Donald ‘Push Me – Pull You’ Trump has tweeted Americans must “LIBERATE” and “ISOLATE!” at the same time. The President is having it both ways and America is getting it both ways.

The Whitehouse has a new slogan: “Give me liberty or give me death! Or give me both!”

Trump trumpeted – “We can’t have Americans isolated with their families. It’s like all their Christmases have come at once.”

HARRY & MEGHAN SHOCK HORROR SCANDAL HO-HUM

The biggest news this week is that Harry and Megan refuse to be the biggest news this week.

Prince Harry and his wife, Meghan Markle, are cutting communications with Britain’s four biggest tabloids, The Daily Maul, The Mirror-Mirror, The Clickbait and The Brexit Broke It.

“There will be no corroboration and zero engagement,” they wrote in a corroborative engagement.

Harry and Meghan would like everyone to understand they just want to left alone, in Los Angeles, being photographed delivering foods parcels to the poor, just like normal people.

A Royal watcher (much like a stalker but wearing a bow tie) claims, “This is like our bogus old claim that Prince Charles married Camilla Parker Bowles. Obviously, that was a joke, and in poor taste.”