Entertainment People The Ferguson Report: We’d all better mind that mindless mindfulness
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The Ferguson Report: We’d all better mind that mindless mindfulness

Tim Ferguson dishes up the week in fake news. Photo: TND
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WHO’S WHO?

US President Donald Trump’s claim the World Health Organisation has “failed in its basic duty and must be held accountable” shows he hasn’t lost his sense of irony.

Trump gave a two-hour speech about Trump, proving he get should out of the White House more. The President doesn’t need a face-mask, he’s got an unlimited supply of bandaid solutions.

In a damning condemnation of the WHO, Trump said, “They lost me at Tommy.”

OUT OF YOUR MINDFULNESS

Record numbers of people are unthinkingly downloading apps for ‘Mindfulness’. People use the apps to do their mindfulness for them while they carry on hoarding, whingeing and excessively drinking.

‘Mindfulness’ was invented by some Californian marketing guru who wears activewear to business meetings, thinks quinoa is pronounced ’quinoa’ and does pilates to make his gas problem everybody’s gas problem.

The apps are cheap, it only costs a penny for your thoughtlessness. And all the apps recommend “When Navel-Gazing, Always Gaze at Your Own Naval”.

WARNING – This product comes with a grain of salt.

GREENS TO TRY DEMOCRACY FOR A CHANGE

In a shocking act of mutiny, a gang of five leading Greens has declared, “The selection of the leader should be a matter for all the party’s members rather than only its elected representatives”.

The Greens leader is chosen by their MPs because grassroots greenies don’t know how to spell ‘realpolitik’.

In a show of open accountability, the Greens National Conference is held behind closed doors.

The party is sticking by the party, saying, “The Green left is always right, right?”

The Greens are also thinking of changing their name, as there seem to be too many grey areas in their policies. They will now be known as the Puces.

The Australian Greens hit their peak a decade ago, when they stopped the Carbon Pollution Reduction Scheme.

It’s hard to see why 90 per cent of Australians vote for someone else.

SHOCK AS POLITICIANS RULE OUT PAY CUT

Prime Minister Scott ‘If You Pay Peanuts, You Get’ Morrison has ruled out cutting pay for federal government ministers.

Australian ministers’ pay is currently between ‘ludicrous’ and ‘stop the car, I’m going to be sick’.

The PM said he prefers the current pay: $20,000 per day in Parliament.

“Pollies want power, not paychecks,” said a voter who votes for free.

“Paying a politician is as pointless as paying a pig. They’re in it for the swill. Politicians are doing it trough.”

In other news…

NOW EVERY DAY IS CASUAL FRIDAY

NEWS BROADCAST’S PRUDISHLY PIXILATED MIDDLE-FINGER RESEMBLES ROBOT PENIS

A KEBAB HAS BEEN FINED $1000 FOR ENTERING THE MOUTH OF A SELF-ISOLATOR

HERBAL MEDICINE CURES CRITICAL THINKING

ISOLATED FORMER BOTOX-USER SUDDENLY HAS ABILITY TO BLINK