Entertainment People The Ferguson Report: Comrade Morrison puts budget in the Red
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The Ferguson Report: Comrade Morrison puts budget in the Red

Tim Ferguson dishes up the week in fake news. Photo: TND
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PM CALLS FOR SOCIALISM-DISTANCING

The ‘conservative’ Morrison government denies its stupendous socialist splurge is ‘socialist’.

A spokeswoman throwing money to pigeons said, “We’ve pumped an extra $200-billion into welfare, offered free childcare for the workers and demolished landlord rights. But we’re doing it conservatively.”

A Liberal Party apparatchik landed her dad’s chopper on top of Centrelink and said, “We’re not socialist, we’re ’social-ish’. If it looks like socialism and sounds like socialism, it’s a duck.”

Morrison has declared the market is still free, you just can’t gather there anymore.

There’s a chance the fiscal policies Morrison once called ‘insane’, ‘dangerous’ and ‘wicked’ will live up to their reputation.

VIRTUAL DATERS FEEL EACH OTHER OUT

Social-distancing while dating is putting people in touch with each other without putting people in touch with each other.

But two Tinder daters stopped tele-dating due the disappointing emergence of an interesting conversation. The woman said, “Chatting should end once you swap safe-words.”

The man agreed, but ended the interview abruptly, saying, “Pineapple!”

A virtual-dating man recommend Blind, Deaf & Dumb Dates. “I put my phone on silent, hide it in a drawer and keep playing Xbox. The perfect relationship!”

The language of online seduction has affected the vernacular with phrases such as –

“I suppose a Traceroute is out of the question”, “I’ve cracked an external hard drive”, “Hit me with your memory stick” and “My webring has expanded.”

(Always use safe mode.)

GOD EVEN MORE DISTANT THAN USUAL

PM Scott Morrison has committed the Australian nation to God in response to Covid-19, a virus which was made by God.

A spokesman for God said, “Umm… it’s complicated.”

A member of the Catholic clergy took time to explain between out-of-court settlements. “God’s testing us in the same way you test a firework by blowing it up.”

The Devil denied involvement. “I only make STDs. But when face-touching becomes a sin, call me.”

Morrison humbly likened himself to Moses. A doctor recommended the PM take ten tablets and part the crowds at Bondi.

God is watching us… from one-point-five metres.

ONE ON THE AISLE

As most Australians are planning to spend their Job-Keeper payments on bigger televisions made in China, Hollywood is making new movies to watch in isolation.

“My Small Sparce Lowly-Attended Greek Wedding”

“One Man and a Funeral”

“Lara Croft: Fridge Raider”

“Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Kitchen Bench”

“Home Alone 4: Ever”

“Kramer Minus Kramer”

In other news…

INFECTIONS SPREADING AMONG SEA CREATURES AFTER A LOBSTER FOUND WITH CRABS

STUDENT-FREE SCHOOLS OPERATING SMOOTHLY AT LAST

NATIONAL PARTY MP ORDERED TO BATHE IN FULL-BODY SANITISER

FIVE-STAR STALAGS WITH NICE SHEETS AND ROOM SERVICE

BOWL HAIRCUTS MAKING A COMEBACK