The Ferguson Report: Corvid-19 gives climate crisis the cold shoulder

Tim Ferguson
Mar 27, 2020, updated Oct 01, 2020

Tim Ferguson dishes up the week in fake news. Photo: TND

POTUS STANDS SHOULDER TO SHOULDER WITH ADVISERS TO URGE SOCIAL-DISTANCING

US President Donald Trump wants the US to be opened up and “raring to go” in two weeks, and so does the coronavirus.

Trump said, “Our people don’t want to be locked into a house or an apartment or some space.”

Conveniently, he did not mention hospital wards.

Trump declared, “Only I can stay inside my house. It’s a lovely big white one. Nice bunker. Well stocked.”

HOT TOPICS FEELING IGNORED

As the world reels in the grip of the latest crisis, other crises are feeling ignored.

Global Warming has spoken to psychologists, saying, “It’s like I don’t exist anymore! One second, I’m on everybody’s lips like a contagion, a real hot-and-getting-hotter topic. But now, even the Greens don’t complain about me. And nobody’s better at complaining than the Greens.”

“Six weeks ago, I was ‘the end of the world’. Now, everybody’s talking about ‘the end of people’ (which, ironically, would be very good for the world).”

COVID-19 has endangered other world-shattering topics like plastic bags, recycling and Married At First Sight.

A forgotten plastic shopping bag was so upset it had to breathe into a paper bag. “So humiliating!” it said.

And the Flat Earthers have fallen off the radar, instead of the edge of the planet as usual.

NATION’S WINGNUTS UNSCREWED

Since the Prime Minister sent Australia home to watch Netflix, nothing has been heard from the extreme extremities.

“We haven’t heard any off-the-cuff-and-on-the-nose kneejerkery from Paulina Hanson or Bob Katter,” said a voter who will vote for anything, so long as it whinges a lot. “Jacqui Lambie hasn’t had a “gutful” of anything for weeks.”

Another decidedly Undecided voter complained, “Clive Palmer hasn’t erected a billboard we can all ignore. Mark Latham is hoarding those two cents he’s been putting in. And Barnaby Joyce has been struck even dumb & dumber.”

LONELY HOMEBODY FEELING NORMAL

Joe G Average is an involuntarily celibate male who lives alone. Since every Australian was ordered to remain on their own four square metres, Joe is feeling great.

“I feel like a normal person,” said Joe. “but with less whining about the limited choices on Netflix.”

Normally, ‘incel’ Joe spends his time considering acts of mass terror, self-harm or online shopping. But he is relaxing into his desperate isolation.

“Welcome to my world,” he says to all Australians. “I love hearing my neighbours going out of their minds with boredom and frustration. Makes me feel like one of the gang.”