A PM & HIS SURPLUS ARE SOON PARTED
Prime Minister for Marketing Scott ‘Insert Jingle Here’ Morrison says his multibillion-dollar economic stimulus package is not at all like Kevin Rudd’s multibillion-dollar economic stimulus package.
For starters, the dates are totally different.
Morrison also claims his non-existent surplus is different to Kevin’s, because Kevin’s has been non-existent for much longer.
Treasurer Josh Frydenberg stressed the Coronavirus is a medical problem. So, it’s okay he has no degree in economics.
“We are throwing money at the problem with an underhanded motion,” said an adviser who has lost his shirt.
“Kevin threw it with a left spin.”
Kevin Rudd could not be contacted because nobody wanted to contact him.
CRYPTOCURRENCY NOT WORTH THE CLOUD IT’S WRITTEN ON
$100m has been scammed out of people around the world in a crytocurrency heist run out of a Kiev schoolkid’s lunchbox.
A victim said, “Who saw this coming? The website said, ’The profits are literally unbelievable!’ From now on, I’m putting all my money into oxygen shares – the website says they are too good to be true!”
BERNIE DOWN THE HOUSE
A defiant Bernie Sanders has vowed to stay in the Democratic 2020 presidential race for no good reason.
Sanders secured a commanding failure in Missouri, Mississippi, Michigan and places that don’t begin with ‘M’.
Despite being beaten by former Vice President Joe Biden, Sanders said his campaign was “strongly winning” the “contest of ideas”.
A Biden spokesman said, “Winning a contest of ideas is like winning an argument with your spouse. Sooner or later, they will destroy you, your ‘ideas’ and the GPS you keep ignoring.”
Sanders said, “We are winning the generational debate,” which means Sanders will easily win the Presidency in 30 years.
APOCALYPSE WILL BE SURVIVED BY ROACHES AND BRAWLING SHOPPERS
Scientists claim shoppers who brawl over toilet paper will survive to fight cockroaches for the last roll.
“But they won’t last long,” said a scientist. “Toilet paper is not nutritious.”
Meanwhile, Triple J’s Lukewarmest 100 now includes the song “If you were the only girl in the world and I was the only boy, which one of us would get the roll of Sorbent?”
In other news…
MORRISON’S ESCAPE PLAN FALLS THROUGH AFTER CORONAVIRUS HITS HAWAII
TOILET PAPER THE NEW AUSSIE CURRENCY (NOT UNLIKE THE OLD AUSSIE CURRENCY)
TRUMP’S ‘ADDRESS TO THE NATION’ CALMS FEARS OF HIS RE-ELECTION
GOVT GIVES $750 TO PENSIONERS HIDING AT HOME
BIGAMIST CONSIDERABLY LARGER THAN A SHORTAMIST