The Ferguson Report: Democrat primaries winner is … Trump

Tim Ferguson
Mar 06, 2020, updated Mar 06, 2020

Tim Ferguson dishes up the week in fake news. Photo: TND

RADICAL LEFTIES PREFER OLD WHITE MEN

In their search for a ‘progressive’ presidential candidate, Democrat voters have chosen two old white men. Former Vice President Joe Biden (aged 77 and a bit) and senator Bernie Sanders (aged 78 and a lot) claim to be as young as they feel. “They feel spongy and brittle,” said a man who has felt them.

Senators Elizabeth Warren and Amy Klobuchar have both dropped out, because most ‘inclusive’ Democrats prefer ‘including’ male candidates exclusively.

Mayor Pete Buttigieg (pronounced ‘Buttigieg’) has also buttegieged out.

The race is down to two highly experienced candidates who both claim the other guy will lose. They know what they are talking about.

Bernie Sanders will make the best president who could never win in his wildest dreams.

Joe Biden will make the best word soup you’ve ever tasted.

And Donald Trump will make a new wig-stand for the Oval Office.

PANICKED PREPPERS PREPARE TO FIGHT PREPPERS

A ‘Prepper’ preparing for the Apocalypse claims that fighting over toilet paper at the supermarket “was good practice for fighting over the toilet paper in our bunker”.

“We have eight Preppers in our bunker,” said a former conspiracy theorist who is now even less interesting. “There’ll be fights over everything, especially whose job it was to remember the can opener.”

One Prepper is repeatedly kicking himself in the shins. “I’m practicing for when I emerge from the bunker and the world still exists.”

A Prepper who’s been wearing a face mask for a month said, “It’s great for weight loss.”

“The quality of conversations will drop,” said a scientist. “There’s only so much intellectual engagement you can get from a bunch of paranoid pessimists. It will be like Game Of Thrones without the games, the thrones or the decent haircuts.”

Scientists expect the worst aspect of Post-Apocalyptic society is that the only survivors will be Preppers.

CORONAVIRUS SUSPICIOUSLY SAVES PLANET BUT NOT PEOPLE

NASA satellite images show a decline in world pollution levels, due to the economic slowdown following the outbreak of the coronavirus.

A scientist wearing masks over all his orifices said, “We can breathe deep… briefly.”

Greenies have denied the coronavirus is a green conspiracy. “To be frank, we’re not that organised. We prefer saving the planet by glueing ourselves to things and avoiding Gluten-The-Planet-Killer.”