PARLIAMENT QUARANTINED ON CRUISE SHIP
Australian members of Federal Parliament have been quarantined on a cruise ship, The Delinquent Diva.
An outbreak of Wedge-Of-Lime Virus has given MPs severe symptoms – delusions, uselessness and swollen travel expenses.
Barnaby Joyce shows troubling symptoms of being Barnaby Joyce. He’s been filmed ranting with cows and showing signs of dingbatting nutbaggery. Scientists fear that Mr Joyce has severe lockjaw that makes him incapable of shutting his mouth.
An unknown condition named ‘Deputy PM Michael McCormack Virus’ has been rumoured to exist, though it’s undetectable and has no effect.
Labor leader Anthony Albanese has been stricken by fluctuating hot-and-cold infatuation with coal. His room is being kept at a steadily rising temperature.
Meanwhile, Prime Minister Scott Morrison has come down with a case of the happy clap.
A graffiti ‘tagger’ has spray-painted over an artwork by street artist Banksy on a Bristol UK suburban house wall.
Defacement of the defacement has left Banksy fans with shock on their defaces.
“Graffiti on graffiti is offensive,” said a hipster who’ll agree to anything so long as it agrees with him.
The classic Banksy painting depicts a girl shooting a slingshot at real ivy painted red, signifying whatever you reckon.
The picture has been ‘ruined’ by the graffiti tagger, much like Banksy’s artwork Girl with Balloon was ‘ruined’ by Banksy’s automatic shredder.
The hipster said, “This tragic tagging is the kind of outrageous stunt we’d expect from… um… Banksy.”
ASSANGE GUILTY UNTIL PROVEN COMPLICIT
Wikileaking lawyers claim US President Donald Trump ordered that WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange be offered a presidential pardon. But there was a quid pro quo.
Assange must first deny Russia’s election hacking efforts. He must also deny the existence of gravity, and that butter is better than marge.
Assange’s drip-drip-leaking of Hillary Clinton’s emails was instrumental in spoiling her 2016 Presidential campaign. But Wikileaks has been unable to leak anything on Trump ever, with over 15,000 Trump lies evading its Wiki-notice.
The White House has denied everything, proving it’s all true, even the bits that aren’t.
In other news…
QLD MP CLAIMS SOLAR POWER WILL FADE THE CURTAINS
100% EFFECTIVE SHARK REPELLENT’S KEY INGREDIENT IS ‘DRY GROUND’
MILLENNIAL ACCIDENTALLY WATCHES FREE-TO-AIR TV
HIPSTER SECRETLY LOVES SWEET TASTE OF GLUTEN
NATIONAL PARTY CLAIMS BROKE FARMERS CAN WORK IN COAL MINES