NATS STEWING IN THEIR JOYCE

To get past the Barnaby Joyce leadership spillage, the National Party are changing their name to the Notional Party.

A Notionals spokesman, wearing only a gold medallion, clambered out of a crowded steam-bath and said, “We all get on like a house on fire.”  Everyone agreed.

As a sign of how unstable things are getting, PM Scott ‘The Ukulele Lady’ Morrison gave Notionals leader Michael McCormack his total support.

Mr Joyce cooled his temper by taking a coal shower.

US COMES OUT IN TRUMP BUMPS

US President Donald Trump has received a bump in the polls taking him from ‘deeply unpopular’ to ‘simply unpopular’.

Trump said he was delighted with his total impeachment acquittal (by Republicans only).

Trump claims Democrats are disarmed, lily-livered and have no guts. Which would make them merely a gelatinous lump of immobile subcutaneous tissue, which is paradoxically a perfect description of the President after a sauna.

QUIET, AUSTRALIANS

“The Prime Minister talks about the quiet Australians,” said former/future Deputy PM Barnaby Joyce last week.

“Our job is to represent the near invisible Australians.”

A barely audible spokeswoman said, “We also fight for the Non-Existent Australians.”

Meanwhile, the Quiet Demographic is being courted by new splinter-in-the-tongue parties.

• The Quiet Australian Party is booming, but can’t find any quiet Australians in Queensland.
• Someone tried to form the Un-Australian Party but those voters already vote Greens.
• And everyone politely ignored the silent-but-deadly Australians whose numbers have never been owned up to.
• Members of the Non-Australian Party number over 7 billion.
• The Quiet Americans Party has no members at all.

BERNIE SANDERS

In a stunning victory for Donald Trump, 78-year-old US Senator Bernie Sanders has won the Democrats’ New Hampshire presidential primary.

Sanders is old enough to know better, but also old enough to have forgotten he knows better.

As the US Democratic party prepares for four more years of complaining about Donald Trump, they are putting Bernie Sanders on the ticket… to nowhere.

Sanders is cleverly disguised as your uncle storming out of Christmas lunch shouting about ‘you lousy kids with yer highfalutin telephones’.

The candidate, in his roaring 70s, will connect with everyday Americans every second day during visiting hours.

A spokesman for the Sanders campaign said, “Americans love socialism.  They embrace the materialist interpretation of historical development, taking a dialectical view of social transformation. We can’t lose.”

“Don’t you tell me what we can’t lose!” said Mr Sanders in one of his lucid moments.

In other news…

CORRUPT SPORTS RORT WITHIN GUIDELINES

ROGER STONE SENTENCE REDUCED TO COLOURFUL VERB

US CANDIDATE PETE BUTTIGIEG PRONOUNCES HIS NAME CORRECTLY

DUTTON BANNING OF CHINA FULFILS LIFELONG DREAM