Entertainment People The Ferguson Report: Barnaby is certain his Nationals will re-Joyce
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The Ferguson Report: Barnaby is certain his Nationals will re-Joyce

Tim Ferguson dishes up the week in fake news. Photo: TND
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BUSHFIRES IGNITE BARNABY’S BURNING AMBITION

The National Party has focused on the ongoing bushfires by spilling their leadership all over the shag pile (which they often use as a shag pile).

The Nationals represent farmers in favour of coal mining.

Nationals leader Michael McCormack won the spillage against the once-and-future King Kong, Barnaby Joyce.

Joyce criticised McCormack’s invention of the word ‘learnings’: “Anyone who uses the word ‘learnings’ needs to be learnt a lesson on learningnessness.”

He called McCormack ‘Calamitus Illiteratus’. Barnaby said he learnt that term when he studied Latish.

Having attended a Jesuit college for narcissistic delinquents, Mr Joyce claimed he learned what to speak good is.

The leadership vote passed.

Joyce and McCormack won’t let it pass.

Stand by for a passing contest.

TRUMP FOUND 51% INNOCENT

US President Donald Trump has been found completely innocent by a small but minuscule Senate majority.

“It’s a total vindication (minus 49 per cent),” said a Republican Senator hosing a fire in his pants. “Trump is innocent until proven guilty which means he’s innocent.”

Meanwhile, Democrat leader Nancy Pelosi is tearing up Trump’s speeches, especially the ones about the importance of recycling paper.

ROBO-DEBT CONTAINS NO BATTERIES

Explosive new emails have exploded, revealing the Scott Morrison government (featuring, but not to be blamed upon Scott Morrison) was warned its robo-debt scheme was illegal.

When asked in Parliament about the robo-booboo, PM Scott Morrison (not to be confused with PM Scott Morrison) handballed the question to Human Services Minister Stuart ‘Call Me Scott’ Robert.

Mr Robert answered the question by refusing to answer the question on the grounds it may incur a robo-fine.

The PM insists that any outstanding unpaid illegal debts will be wavered … or charged to people fleeing the coronavirus.

The trouble started when a November 2019 email from the Australian Taxation Office was marked “Sensitive: Legal” – two words that, when put together, normally signal the opposite.

SENATOR MOLAN GOES A.O.T ON Q&A

When it comes to his opinion on climate change, Liberal senator Jim Molan has correctly said, “I am not relying on evidence”.

Speaking on the ABC’s talk-talk-talk show, Q&A, Molan said, “As to whether it is human-induced climate change … my mind is open.”

To avoid bias, he is also keeping his mind empty.

A government spokeswoman floating in a Canberra bubble said, “Evidence is left-wing. Evidence went to university, had left-wing sex and glued itself to a zebra crossing. Evidence of evidence is not evidence.”

Senator Molan insists his open-cut mind is not detrimental to the planet.

In other news…

CHINA SAYS THEY WON’T REMEMBER AUSTRALIA BANNING FLIGHTS FOR A LONG, LONG TIME…

BREXIT SAVES BRITAIN FROM HAVING INFLUENCE

NEW GREENS LEADER A FRESH MIDDLE-AGED WHITE MALE

CLIMATE ENDANGERED BY INCREASED VEGAN EMISSIONS

DAVID SPEERS HOSTS ABC’s INSIDERS WHO ARE OUTSIDE NEWS CORP

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