The Ferguson Report: Gwyneth Paltrow’s hack pack of quacks

Tim Ferguson
Jan 31, 2020, updated Jan 31, 2020

Tim Ferguson dishes up the week in fake news. Photo: TND

SHE’LL BE RORT

Fifty-one per cent of polled voters believe PM Scott Morrison should sack the Nationals minister Bridget McKenzie over her handling of the $100m caught-in-a-sports-rorts affair.

The other 49 per cent are grateful for the new squash court and shotgun rack.

FASHION GOES OUT OF FASHION

Scientists have called on everyone to reduce landfills by wearing clothes more than once.

A fashion designer dressed as a spray-tanned toothpick hit back.

Scorched landfill is the black of this summer.”

The PM, re-wearing his ’lucky’ Hawaiian shirt, declared that the Australian economy will not move forward until we all just mine our own businesses.

NBN MEGABYTES THE DUST

Australia’s NBN download speed is half the global average at just 41.78Mbps. But our upload speed is only 18.77Mbps, making the NBN an up-and-down-load of cobblers.

The NBN rollout has cost $51 billion. This means it has cost every Australian $2125.00. Put another way, that’s 1 cent for every hour you have screamed at your laptop.

A nerdy nerd said, “The NBN is so slow, most porn scenes freeze after the pool guy says, ‘Are you sure they’re inflatable?’ The best solution is to roll-up the rollout and smoke it.”

The specialists who measure megabytes put Australia under China, South Korea and Indonesia, proving they have seen a map.

GWYNETH PALTROW TV SERIES INSERTS JADE EGG INTO TV REMOTE

Gwyneth Paltrow’s new TV series, The Goop Lab, proves everything new is good for you if you avoid it.

The show is part of a new health movement called ‘Wellnesslessness’.

Viewers are warned the series is meant to “entertain and inform” rather than provide medical advice. It then features credible dingbats who provide medical advice.

For example, we meet a man standing in the snow wearing speedos and a beanie at the same time. Wait, there’s more. He suggests sub-zero temperatures can cure everything from anxiety to paralysis to spare cash.

Homeopaths are outraged someone else is offering cures based on less than zero.

Another specialist claims ‘Energy Field Massage’ will cure aches and pains, and shoo away flies.

A psychic reveals how to detect your own psychic abilities. You know how that ends…

A fake doctor said, “If it looks like a quack, and quacks like a quack, it’s a wellness expert.”