WHO’LL BRITANNIA?

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle have chosen to distance themselves from the royal family without asking for permission from everybody in the world including you.

An intense search is underway for Prince Harry’s employee contract with the royal family.

“So far, we have found a birth certificate. Damning evidence that Harry was doing deals with the royals from the very beginning.”

A vegan Beefeater said: “We haven’t just singled out Harry. We also pick on people who are actually related to the Queen.”

PAULINE IN THE AISLES

One Nation Front leader Pauline Hanson did a side-splitting improvised comedy routine on Karl Stefanovic’s open-mic morning show, Here Today.

The crowd cackled as Ms Hanson insisted climate change does not contribute to climate change.

“If you’re going to have a royal commission into bushfires,” she jammed to riotous laughter, “throw bloody climate change out of the window.”

“Climate change is already outside,” said a spokesman for The Ferguson Report.

“Throwing it out the window is a brilliant comic absurdity!”

Ms Hanson slayed ‘em with a classic reference to meteorologists, scientists and other Greenies: “They can’t even get my weather right and tell me if it’s going to rain”.

A meteorologist heckled, “Tomorrow’s weather in Gympie and a 50-year global forecast are slightly different.”

The crowd boo-ed. The meteorologist stormed out, taking the weather with him.

“You can’t make this stuff up!” said a comedian.

He later apologised, saying, “You can make this stuff up, if you get Pauline to do the stuffing up.”

BOOTIN’ PUTIN

Russia’s entire government has unexpectedly stepped down, leaving President Vladimir Putin stranded as Russia’s only writer of fake news.

A Russian known as Where’s Oligarch said, “Poor Putin can’t manipulate the US election single-handed. So, he’s typing with both hands.”

SLIP, SLOP, COUGH

Health officials claim Sydney and Melbourne’s smoky air is at the level of a 1980s bar/bistro on bonfire night.

The Public Health Association is developing a catchy campaign to warn people against breathing.

“The Slip, Slop, Slap campaign has been successfully ignored by millions of bronzed and spotty Aussies,” said a spokeswoman in an oxygen tank.

“So, we have a new jingle!”

“Sniff, Cough, Hack. It sounds like a breeze when you say it like that…”

[WARNING:  Breeze should not be breathed.]

In other news…

TRUMP-CHINA TRADE DEAL “BEST IDENTICAL DEAL EVER!”

JAMES BOND TO BE PLAYED BY A FEMALE IMPERSONATING A MAN

DOCTOR WHO NOT AN ACTUAL DOCTOR

YOUNG LIBERALS NEVER HEARD OF PANTOMIME

PM PLANS PARLIAMENTARY STUNT HOLDING UP HANDFUL OF ASHES