A recap of the year in Fake News headlines
Prime Minister Scott Morrison has condemned St Kilda’s Far-Right rally of the extremely extremist Backward Front saying, “Australians are not anti-migrant nor racist.”
“Apart from the Australians at the rally,” clarified a spokeswoman.
The PM has ordered a strict dress code for Australia Day ceremonies, including banning board shorts and thongs.
One bloke said, “But these are my good thongs!”
ROYAL COMMISSION INCLUDES HIDDEN CHARGES
The banking royal commission discovered the financial sector has been guilty of theft, fraud and pilfering the accounts of the dead.
A complete and utter banker tearfully admitted, “I charge dead people.”
Australia’s last surviving anti-vaccine activists have scoffed, coughed and wheezed at a new Danish study proving the Mumps-Measles-Rubella vaccine does not increase the risk of autism in children.
“Research is bogus!” said a home-schooled leaf-licking spokesman in an iron lung. “Alternatives to alternative facts make my skin crawl and come out in spots.”
VEGANS PROTEST ANNING EGGING
Vegans are up in artichokes over the recent egging of Senator Fraser Anning. One said, “I’m pale and spindly with fury!”
A 17-year-old protester threw an egg at Anning. The Senator punched the boy in self-defence. As the boy retreated, Anning punched him in even more self-defence.
ONE NATION SHOOTS ITSELF IN THE FOOT-IN-MOUTH
Pauline Hanson’s right-hand pinky, James Ashby, has been caught ‘on the sauce’ and on tape schmoozing pro-gun lobbyists in the US.
The secretly-filmed cheque-flick is like an amateur porn movie but with no sex or attractive people.
PM GETS INTO BED WITH CLIVE [NO PICTURES]
The Labor and Liberal parties were willing to move mountains to secure a preference deal with Clive Palmer, but no-one could shift Clive.
Finally, the Prime Rib Minister Scott Morrison baked Clive a cake, and said he can eat it too.
The preference deal will secure Palmer a Senate seat with extra snoozing room and a drinks tray.
After losing the election, Labor’s leader-in-following Anthony Albanese has announced he’ll dump the party’s franking credits reforms until he understands them.
Labor heavyweight Tony Burke fronted media in a T-shirt declaring ‘Stop Stopping Adani’.
A Young Labor apparatchik cried and cried and cried.
TINKER, TAILOR, SOLDIER, BLABBERMOUTH
The owners of the Australian government, News Corp, said police raids on journalists are a “dangerous act of intimidation”.
Presumably, they mean it’s dangerous for the government to screw with News Corp.
GIVE ULURU CLIMBERS ENOUGH ROPE…
One Nation Front leader Pauline Hanson has spoken against the ban of climbers on Uluru.
But a panting tourist said, “Forget it – the top of Uluru is just a crap view of Uluru.”
A shock jock described the ban as a form of “climb it” change… and therefore doesn’t believe in it.
FROM RUSSIA WITH RUBBER GLOVES
Radiation levels have spiked after a rocket engine exploded at a Russian nuclear test site. But Russia’s defence ministry claimed radiation was “normal”.
It’s hard to know which episode of the TV series Chernobyl they are repeating.
Young American vapers are experiencing a surge of severe lung ailments that are breath-taking. Symptoms include coughing, vomiting and levels of stupidity even higher than most American teens.
A medical alert will be printed on all future vaping pipes, WARNING – EXHALE ONLY.
Doctors and public health experts are “baffled” for no reason whatsoever.
GOVT OVERBOARD ABOUT CHILDREN
Australian-born children Kopika and Tharnicaa are being ejected from the land of their birth because their bronzed-Aussie smiles encourage people smugglers.
SBS is creating a new series – Go Back To Where You Didn’t Come From.
GOVT DESPERATELY CRAVING DRUG TESTS
Tasmanian Senator Jacqui Lambie came alarmingly close to making sense when she said she’ll consider drug testing for welfare recipients only if drug-testing is introduced for politicians.
A government spokesman with the sniffles rejected the idea. “I am the walrus. And furthermore, Koo-koo-ka-choo.” He then elevator-pitched a great idea for a musical zombie movie.
A Greens senator rebutted the notion by walking into a wall.
DUTTON TO LAUGH ABOUT
Home Affairs Minister Peter ‘Potato Dressed As’ Dutton has called for climate change protesters to be jailed “until their behaviour changes”. This means the activists could be jailed for the rest of their lives, or until they finish their arts degrees.
As he spoke, protesters were literally glued to their televisions.
THE BEST NEWS IS REDACTED NEWS
Newspapers around Australia published front pages with blacked-out words.
A person who still reads newspapers was found after a three-day search.
She said, “I love redacted news! It’s a wonderful challenge doing the crossword puzzles.”
ROBO-DEBT TORMENTED TO DEATH FOR NO REASON
The federal government has killed the Robo-debt scheme just when welfare was making a profit.
“We Robo-fined all the people sucking money out of the government,” said a consultant sucking money out of the government. “Our mistake was using the Algorithm Method.”
TRUMP IMPEACHED FOR THE HELLUVIT
US Democrats have impeached President Trump because why not.
Republicans celebrated by guzzling Kool-Aid and sticking their heads in the groundhog.
After Trump’s dramatic sagas – the Russian Collusion Confusion, Stormy ‘The Porn Identity’ Daniels and Silence of the Cat-Grabbers, impeachment is just another feather in his crap.
2019 FAKE HEADLINE HIGHLIGHTS
MILLENNIAL UNI STUDENT PROVES ALL COMEDY IS POLITICALLY INCORRECT
UNINVITED ENGLISHMEN CLAIM OWNERSHIP OF AUSTRALIA DAY
TRIPLE-J VOTED ‘COOLEST RADIO STATION RUN BY A GOVERNMENT’
SKY NEWS HOST ACCUSES ABC OF BIAS
PSYCHIC REFUSES TO SHARE THE FEE WITH GHOSTS
CRICKET HARDER WITHOUT SANDPAPER
REIKI EXPERT’S OFFER TO HELP IGNORED
DEAD TERRORIST DIDN’T THINK IT THROUGH
LUCKY COUNTRY OF LARRIKINS EASILY SPOOKED BY SCARE CAMPAIGNS
LABOR PARTY LOOKING FOR NEW WAYS TO SCREW IT UP
NATURE ABHORS A VACUUM (APART FROM SPACE, IT LIKES SPACE A LOT)
HIPSTERS DRESS LIKE SHOOTERS, FISHERS & FARMERS
PARENTS AGAINST SEX EDUCATION DON’T KNOW WHERE GRANDKIDS COME FROM
TRUMP INNOCENT UNTIL PROVEN TRUMP
HOME-BIRTHER SURPRISINGLY NOT OKAY WITH HOME-DENTISTRY
HISTORIC PHOTO OF BLACK HOLE NOT AS INTERESTING AS EXPECTED
MEAGHAN & HARRY WRONGLY ASSUME THEIR BABY IS THEIR OWN DAMN BUSINESS
ARTS DEGREE FINALLY USEFUL AS HANDY TOWELETTE
13 YEARS OF SCHOOL NOT ENOUGH TO LEARN SPELLING OF ‘YOUR’ & ‘YOU’RE’
ANTI-VAXXER ‘AMAZED’ HER KID HAS DIPHTHERIA, POLIO, MEASLES, MUMPS. KID NOT AMAZED.
HIPSTER MISSES THE SWEET, WHOLESOME TASTE OF GLUTEN
AUSTRALIAN FRIGATE FOLLOWED BY CHINESE SPY-SHIP FELT MOMENTARILY IMPORTANT
GAY MARRIAGE CAUSES DISTURBING RISE IN BORING SUBURBAN COUPLES
‘ORIGINAL SIN’ NOT VERY ORIGINAL
ASSANGE REFUSING TO LEAK RUSSIAN COLLUSION BY ASSANGE
TRUMP OFFER TO BUY GREENLAND MAY BE GRAMMATICAL ERROR
GUARDIAN READER ONLY AS WELL-INFORMED AS THE NEXT GUARDIAN READER
NICK KYRGIOS CONDEMNED FOR SWEARING ALMOST AS MUCH AS YOU DO
FOX NEWS MOVIE HAS A COMMUNIST PLOT
MAP OF TASMANIA USED TO COVER MAP OF TASMANIA
NATUROPATH CURES HYPOCHONDRIAC
GOVT FINDS ‘BALANCE’ BETWEEN COAL-MINING & END OF WORLD AS WE KNOW IT
WHITE SUPREMACIST CAN’T SPELL ‘WHITE SUPREMACIST’
TRUMP BLAMES HURRICANE ON WIND FARMS
GOD MYSTERIOUSLY BOOSTS GAY MARRIAGE ECONOMIES
CLASS WAR WON BY THE RICH
GOVT CLAIMS BEST REFUGE FROM BUSHFIRES IS IN COALMINES
CAT’S PURRING MAY BE SARCASTIC
ROBO-DEBT BECAME CONSCIOUS AT 0600 HRS – STAY INDOORS
MANUKA HONEY HEALTH BENEFITS DERIVED FROM NATURAL BULLTWANG
VAPING 99% SAFER THAN CLIFF-JUMPING
MORRISON CONCERNED ABOUT KIDS’ ANXIETY UNLESS THEY ARRIVE BY BOAT
ORGAN TRANSPLANT GOES HORRIBLY WRONG WHEN MIGHTY WURLITZER INSERTED INTO AILING PENSIONER
BARNABY JOYCE IRONICALLY TELLS FARMERS THEY SHOULD GIVE UP AND GO
YOGA INSTRUCTOR PRETENDS IT’S SQUEAKING FLOORBOARDS
DONALD TRUMP TO BUILD MORE OVAL OFFICES IN A BID TO CUT CORNERS
TWITTER DEEPLY BUT MOMENTARILY OUTRAGED BY [INSERT TOPIC]
TRAINER IGNORES RACEHORSE’S DECISION TO BOYCOTT MELBOURNE CUP
TODAY SHOW REPLACES KARL STEFANOVIC WITH KARL STEFANOVIC
NERVOUS ANTI-VAXXER SAYS ‘BLACK DEATH VACCINE’ MAY BE WORTH TRYING ONCE
PM WOULD BLAME ABC MORE IF ITA WASN’T SO POPULAR
PRINCE ANDREW STEPS BACK FROM ROYAL DUTIES AFTER STEPPING IN ROYAL DOODIE
CONSPIRACY THEORIST PREFERRED IT WHEN NOBODY BELIEVED HIM
PLASTIC BAGS BAN BOOSTS SALES OF BIGGER, THICKER PLASTIC BAGS
VICTORIA’S SECRET FASHION SHOW CANCELLED DUE TO 21ST CENTURY
XMAS SPIRIT CAUSES ANGRY UNCLE TO SHOUT & FALL INTO POOL
FIREBUG IS ALSO A COMPLETE PRICK
PM TRIED TO DELAY RETURN FROM HAWAII BY FLYING JETSTAR