TRUMP IMPEACHED FOR THE HELLUVIT
US Democrats have impeached President Trump because why not.
Republicans celebrated by guzzling Kool-Aid and sticking their heads in the groundhog.
After Trump’s dramatic sagas – the Russian Collusion Confusion, Stormy ‘The Porn Identity’ Daniels and Silence of the Cat-Grabbers, impeachment is just another feather in his crap.
A Democrat presidential candidate with a sign saying ‘Will Squander Election For Food’ said, “We’re planning to lose the next election to show what a cheat he is.”
Trump said the decision has divided a divided nation. And a nation divided against itself just needs a few more walls.
NOT DROWNING, HEAT-WAVING
Australia recently endured its hottest day in history.
“No, it didn’t,” said a government adviser, winning the argument once and for all.
“Now is not the time to talk about climate change. Let’s talk about it when it’s too late.”
A toga-wearing Nationals MP offered to donate impure thoughts at a cost of a penny per thought. He shook a cocktail shaker and sprayed disinfectant on his desk saying, “Think global, act sober.”
The Prime Minister can talk underwater. As the oceans rise, this talent could come in handy.
CATS MOVIE COUGHS UP FUR BALL
The new movie, Cats, has caused household cats to express even more aloof disdain than usual.
One cat said, “Cats is the longest-running musical ever – or does it just feel like it?”
A cat who wishes to remain anonymous until dinner-time complained about Dame Judy Dench’s role.
“She plays a cat who’s wearing a fur coat. Presumably, the fur came from another cat. It’s enough to make me turn tail and walk away winking.”
PRAYERS & THOUGHTS FOR THOUGHTS & PRAYERS
Shocking new evidence suggests PM Scott Morrison’s ‘thoughts and prayers’ may not be enough to save us.
A government spokeswoman kneeling on a pew said, “No rain, no water, and no end in sight to Barnaby Joyce. It’s getting to the desperate point where we may have to resort to actual policies.”
But Treasurer Josh ‘Trust me, I’m a banker’ Frydenberg has raised the budget for thoughts and prayers from $0 to $0.00.
The minister in charge of thoughts, notions and inklings said, “On second thoughts, we’re increasing funding for second thoughts. Prayers have also risen, but where else can they go?”
Christians in rural areas fear the coming apocalypse, but can’t find enough wood to build an ark.
In other news…
PM TRIED TO DELAY RETURN BY FLYING JETSTAR
CLIMATE ACTIVIST CAUGHT IN PARADOX AFTER CLAIMING CLIMATE CHANGE GIVES HIM THE SHIVERS
SANTA’S REINDEER SACKED DUE TO INTERNET HOME DELIVERY
HONKING IDIOT IN XMAS SHOPPING MALL CARPARK IDENTIFIES OTHER HONKING IDIOT
WARNING: BABY YODA MAY BE CYNICAL CASH-GRAB