THE IMMACULATE CONTRACEPTION
Attorney-General Christian ‘Because The PM Is Christian’ Porter has announced changes to the religious discrimination bill as if they make it better.
The new bill declares that contraception can be refused by any pharmacist who thinks God prefers His eggs fertilised.
But a National Party spokeswoman wearing a nun’s wimple and blindfold said, “Jesus heals – not pharmacists. So, we’re drafting a bill banning them from dispensing anything at all. That should keep everyone happy, until they die from preventable causes.”
Population specialists agree that remote country towns with only one chemist will experience a baby boom.
Naturopaths, homeopaths, aromatherapists, and wicked witches will be allowed to dispense their placebos from gazebos, because they’re not playing God. They’re playing Reassuring Nod.
A Catholic priest who dares to show his face in public said, “God prefers playing God all by Himself.”
Democrats in the US Congress are moving ahead with impeachment articles for US President Donald Trump faster than a herd of lemmings.
The impeachment will fail when it passes through the acidic digestive system of Congress and goes to the Republican-blocked Senate.
“We have everything but actual evidence,” said a Democrat Congressman with total confidence. “So, the case against POTUS is slam-dunk-dribble-dribble.”
A Whitehouse lawyer said, “They only have the word of a whistleblower. How did he talk around the whistle in his mouth?”
A dancing cheerleader for the President’s legal team said, “The President is charged with doing a quid pro quo deal with the Ukraine. But it was only A Ukraine, not The Ukraine.”
She distracted fake media by back-flipping, Trump-style. The fake media spent a news-cycle talking about it.
A fake journalist said, “There is no smoking gun. There is only a steaming gun. At least… I think it’s a gun…”
VEGANISM SPREADING LIKE BUTTER (WITHOUT BUTTER)
Vegans are spreading in numbers that are almost noticeable.
Many vegans are also Antivaxxers. So in the long-term, their numbers are expected to reduce.
Typically, vegans make loud pronouncements about the protection of bushland from their inner-city investment properties.
Like Extinction Rebellion, they plan to reduce the number of cattle on earth without slaughtering them.
Fast food chains are introducing burgers without meat. An executive said, “Our new fake-meat burger will bring home the bacon substitute! You’ll know you’re eating fake-meat, because for the first time, our burgers will taste like actual meat.”
In other news…
XMAS SPIRIT CAUSES ANGRY UNCLE TO SHOUT & FALL INTO POOL
FIREBUG IS ALSO A COMPLETE PRICK
TEENAGER NAMED TIME’S PERSON OF THE YEAR SO IT’S ALL DOWNHILL FROM HERE
SILENT AUSTRALIANS WON’T SHUTUP
ATHEIST CAN’T PROVE IT