OFFSHORE DETENTION CHEAP AT 1% OF THE PRICE

Offshore detention of refugees costs Australian taxpayers $573,000 per detainee each year. So, each manacled Manus baby costs every Aussie $40 plus change (with no sign of change). It’s almost as much as a politician’s wages and ‘entitlements’ [see ‘Boozy Lunch’ and ‘After-Dinner Entitlemints’].

A Labor bleeding heart/rotting liver said, “At those prices, you’d think we could afford a few MP extras for the refugees. A Commonwealth car, Qantas Gold Pass or… freedom?”

A government spokeswoman in a banana-republic lounge said, “It costs $1.2 billion to stop the boats. It cost even more to stop the passengers.  For that price, we could build a wall.”

A minister added, “Of course, we could splurge the cash on health and education. But hospitals and schools are a pull factor.”

NATIONALS PASSION EACH OTHER

Furious and furry farmers have told Nationals leader Michael ‘Barnaby Wannabe’ McCormack to grow a spine.

“Show some passion! Where’s your passion?” one farmer said to McCormack who works part-time as a floppy plastic inflatable clown outside a tractor dealership.

Mr McCormack responded: “I’m pretty passionate, don’t worry about that.” But before he’d finished, the farmer had fallen asleep.

LAMBIE’S ‘SECRET DEAL’ KEPT MOMENTARILY SECRET

Tasmanian senator Jacqui Lambie has brokered a ‘secret deal’ to repeal the medevac laws.

Tasmanian voters refused to reveal the secret of why they voted for Jacqui Lambie in the first place. A Burnie lumberjack who is not okay explained, “It’s a matter of national insecurity.”

The secret deal in Canberra is expected to last as long as it takes for the government to say ‘secret deal’.

TRUDEAU BUSTED FOR TELLING THE TRUTH

In a shocking development, Canadian Prime Minister Justin ‘Roger David model’ Trudeau was caught on tape saying something accurate about US President Trump.

British Prime Minister Boris Johnson, who was listening, has denied his nodding and smiling with both thumbs up meant he agreed.

The French President was part of the conversation, but was ignored due to him being the French President.

Trump responded coolly by throwing his party cake on the ground. He ran home and took his Trump Blimp with him.

In other news…

THANKS TO NAOMI WOLF KERFUFFLE, MINISTER ANGUS TAYLOR WINS SCREW-UP BINGO

EXTINCTION REBELLION SAVING THE WORLD ONE ARTS DEGREE AT TIME

COWS PROMISE THEY’LL HOLD IT IN

SCHOOLS STATISTICS PROVE AUSSIE KIDS ARE EVEN DUMBER THAN THEIR PARENTS

HIPSTER TEARFULLY ADMITS HE PREFERS NESCAFE