Entertainment People The Ferguson Report: TV news can never resist putting on the dog
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The Ferguson Report: TV news can never resist putting on the dog

Tim Ferguson dishes up the week in fake news. Photo: TND
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AUSTRALIAN HISTORY IS HISTORY

The role played by universities in teaching Australian history will be momentarily scowled at by a Senate inquiry. The committee’s deputy chair, Amanda Stoker, blamed post-modernism, whatever that is.

“The trouble with our modern history is that there is not much of it,” said a professor of something more interesting.

“Aussie recent history is awkward. For example, when you-know-who did you-know-what to the you-know-them.”

An ancient historian was heard to mumble, “History is not what it used to be.”

Peter Fitzsimons may be chairing the committee. He’s been rewriting Australia’s history for years. A spokeswoman from way-back-when said, “Thanks to Peter, the black armband of history will be replaced by a red bandana.”

A prominent post-modernist had the last word. But no-one understood what it meant.

BREAKING: PUPPY DOES SOMETHING OR OTHER

News broadcasts on Ten, 9, 7 and the ABC ended their evening broadcasts with footage of a Chihuahua puppy doing something or other.

A reporter with nothing better to talk about said, “This is like that thing we showed last week, with the panda doing panda things. Cute!”

A news producer said, “All news is yokel. The cuteness distracts us from the mayhem and horror caused by viewers being easily distracted.”

A commercial newsbiter said, “It was a serious news item, it was an emotional support animal and was just doing its job.” The animal later did a job in the newsreader’s lap.

ABC News defended the story: “We are after a wider audience with narrower minds.”

SBS News finished with some trivia about the collapse of the world economy blah blah blah.

EXCLUSIVE: ALL FOOD IS GENETICALLY MODIFIED

Scientists have announced that all food is genetically modified by millennia of natural selection.

An anti-GM food prude said, “I’m giving up food for health reasons.”

Ever since the organic food industry was blown apart by evidence all food is organic, fussy middle-class eaters have struggled to find pretentious meals. ‘Quinoa’ and ‘kale’ have been exposed as wheat and spinach (though no one knows what ‘mojo verde’ is).

‘Fair trade’ has been exposed as ‘highly lucrative if you do enough of it’. And ‘recycling’ means ‘sent to somewhere else’.

In other news…

CHURCHES DEMAND THE RELIGIOUS FREEDOM TO HATE WHOEVER THEY WANT

MILLENNIAL FINALLY READY TO LEAVE HOME (UNTIL DINNERTIME)

SYLVESTER STALLONE’S HEAD ON TRUMP’S CHEST GETS ONLY 7 RETWEETS

“ENSURING INTEGRITY BILL” FAILS DUE TO LACK OF ENSURED INTEGRITY

COWS ENDANGERED SPECIES DUE TO CLIMATE FANATICS DEMANDING THEIR EXTINCTION

WESTPAC TO BE RENAMED WTFPAC

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