The Ferguson Report: For Trump, a mutter of medical urgency

Tim Ferguson
Nov 22, 2019, updated Oct 01, 2020

Tim Ferguson dishes up the week in fake news. Photo: TND

ROBO-DEBT TORMENTED TO DEATH FOR NO REASON

The federal government has killed the robo-debt scheme just when it was helping welfare make a profit.

“We robo-rolled all the people sucking money out of the government,” said a consultant sucking money out of the government.

“Welfare recipients were fined and dandy. But our mistake was using the Algorithm Method.”

TRUMP HEART ATTACK MAY BE RUSSIAN HOAX

US President Donald Trump interrupted his own interruption of the fake media to declare he did not have a heart attack last week.

A White House spokeswoman dressed in a nurse’s uniform said, “Our panicked scramble to get POTUS to the hospital was a normal, everyday panicked scramble. Like when POTUS races us to the donut tray.”

“Normally, Trump’s denials are confirmations,” said a Republican who agrees with everything the president says, before and after they have been exposed as fibs.

“When the President denied he had a heart attack, I almost had a heart attack.”

Donald Trump’s barely legal lawyer Rudy Giuliani insisted the President will be around for many years.

Markets tumbled.

REVENGE IS A DISH BEST SERVED COAL

Scott Morrison has slammed claims his climate change policies have contributed to anything at all, ever. Sweating and coughing in the smoky swelter, the PM said our share of global warming is so insignificant it could represent Australia at the G20.

A government spokeswoman hiding in an icebox said, “Australia is responsible for just 1.3 per cent of global emissions, mostly from Extinction Rebellion recharging their iPhones.”

A member of the National party pulled his pants on and said, “Greenies accused us of being arsonists, but we’re not arson about. If we add the coal we sell to anybody with a chimney stack, we’re responsible for about 5 per cent of global emissions.”

A National Party minister wiping his desk said, “5 per cent is nothing! It’s not even a 20th of global emissions.”

ISRAEL FOLOU THE LEADER

Sacked Australian rugby union player Israel Folau has claimed recent bushfires are God’s vengeance for same-sex marriage. It’s a mystery why God waited two years to act on gay marriage, and why the fires completely avoided the inner-cities.

The footballer’s sacking was not God’s vengeance for Folau having a tattoo [Leviticus 19:28]. And it has nothing to do with that lobster you had for Christmas lunch [Leviticus 11:9-12]. But just in case, avoid outdoors.

A farmer said, “Why can’t the vengeance be forty days of rain like the old days?”