RELIGIOUS DISCRIMINATION ACT JUST AN ACT

The government’s Religious Discrimination bill is almost ready for public burning.

A government spokesman stacking a woodpile said, “It will please both sides – everybody and nobody. We have to balance discriminators with discriminating against discriminators, and discriminating against anti-discriminators. The bill is not just fiction, it’s crucifixion.”

When asked just how the Act would be worded, the PM said, “The Devil is in the detail. And also between the lines. And read all over.”

He said the new Act will protect cross-bearers and cross-dressers, but not crossbenchers.

A hypothetical cake-maker refused to make a hypothetical cake for anyone based in fact.

“I’m sick of being thrown about in every debate, just because I’m notionally within the bounds of conjecture.”

A government minister said, “Blessed are the discriminators! Let he who is without sin cast the first subpoena.”

Should the Act be blocked, the faithful warn there will be smiting in the streets.

I KRAINE, WHO KRAINE, WE ALL KRAINE FOR UKRAINE

The futile impeachment of US President Donald Trump has been given a warm lettuce boost by the unsurprising revelation of Trump’s dodgy dealings with a country American voters have never heard of.

A Whitehouse spokeswoman denied everything, including her denial.

“Every witness who speaks at the Ukraine hearings is a fibber, especially the people hired by the President. He has a good eye for talent.”

The president’s legal beagle offered his two quid pro quo’s worth – “It’s not a little white lie. It’s a little Whitehouse lie, which is much bigger but more deniable. Did I say that? No, I didn’t. Am I here? No, I’m not. See?”

COWS ENDANGERED SPECIES DUE TO ANIMAL OVER-ACTIVISM

Animal activists, climate scientists and vegan hipster seed-suckers have demanded the extinction of all cows to save the planet from methane emissions. They insist the emissions are dealt by the cows.

A spokescow from Extinction Re-Bullion glued herself to a traffic island and sang, “We shall not be moo-o-oved.”

A dreadlocked greenie eating a cabbage curry shifted in his seat at regular intervals. “It’s us or the cows. Believe me, I’m not blowing steam.”

Scientists confirmed he was definitely not blowing steam.

In other news…

EXTINCTION REBEL CHARGES BATTERY

‘BLACK DEATH’ TO BE RENAMED ‘COME AS YOU ARE DEATH’ 

GAY MARRIAGE CONDEMNED AS BORING, AVERAGE, STRAIGHT

BARNABY JOYCE SAYS SOMETHING EVEN DUMMER THAN USUAL

NERVOUS ANTI-VAXXER SAYS ‘BLACK DEATH VACCINE’ MAY BE WORTH TRYING ONCE

PM WOULD BLAME ABC MORE IF ITA WASN’T SO POPULAR